Sunday, May 30, 2004
The List has been found!!!
Here are some choice entries from it, referring to those many undateable men in this, sometimes, unforgiving world...
Yes, ladies, these are all actual real experiences of real American women...
Those we cannot date:
207) Guys whose best pick-up line is: "You look like you don't know whether to laugh, puke, or cry."
268) Guys who, in order to try and impress you, say that they've seen Freddy Krueger, demonic raccoons with glowing red eyes, UFOs, annd a psychotic man in a construction hat standing by a mailbox in your home town
303) Guys who invite you to a party where there are two cars parked outside and they tell you that there are twelve people inside a completely dark apartment
347) Guys who tell you that they once saw a dead dog lying by the side of the road and that they stopped the car to beat it with a baseball bat
386) Guys who, when you honk your horn at them, do a U-turn in the middle of a busy street and start chasing you while hanging out the window and yelling, "I want you, You, YOU!!!!"
875) Guys who see a man repairing a roof and inform you that they could "take him out" in five shots or less with the gun that they are for some reason carrying
881) Guys who have a tattoo to match their "NO FEAR" hat
885) Guys who throw bikes off the balcony and hit a car which is driving by and deny it when they realize that their actions are the sole reason why the party they were attending was shut down by the police
1212) Guys who try to impress you with the fact that they have worked at Wal-Mart for 7 years and just got off the midnight shift
1242) Guys who drink so much Rolling Rock while performing in concert that they can no longer play their bass and have to get the roadie to come on stage and play for them
1420) Guys who give you something that means a great deal to them on the first night that you meet them and tell you, "Now, you're my lucky charm." (what am I, a leprachan?)
1686) Guys who have to brag about their package to reassure you that they could give you the greatest sex you could imagine
1726) Guys who assert that they know God is a man "because he made the beer hat"
1852) Guys who come up to you and say, "Hey, I have clymydia. Wanna have sex?"
1919) Guys who say, "Girls are only good for two things...sex...and well actually, I guess girls are only good for one thing."
1951) Guys who end a four hour conversation with you by saying, "Oh, yeah...and I'm not circumsized."
1952) Guys who tell you that the pain they feel in their nipples is a "magic pain"
2048) Convenience store workers who tell you that you are their "favorite customer" and then proceed to ask you for your phone number
2050) Guys who when they leave the table at dinner while you are on a date to go to the restroom, call you and leave a message on your answering machine telling you that they called you when they left the table
2132) Guys who after you casually and meaninglessly say, "stop by sometime," proceed to do so every weekend to confide their life troubles to you
2202) Guys who come to your apartment on Sunday morning and want the beer back they left there Friday night and when you tell them that you don't have it anymore, ask you for your email address so "we can get this all straightened out"
2214) Guys in Paris who stick sausages down the front of their pants and then come up to you and say, "I bet you're staring at my big dick."
2221) Guys who truly believe that the KKK is just a group of "good Christian white boys"
2412) Guys who come up to you at a party and ask you if you like Marvin Gaye. When you reply, "Well, I like the California Raisins," they repeatedly ask you to dance because "it won't mean anything"
2442) Guys who, while they're dancing, spank their asses and when they see that you're looking, spank both cheeks even harder
2463) Guys who are selling their guitars and equipment because they've committed a serious federal crime and are now wanted for questioning by the FBI and need the extra money so they can leave the country
--Guys who tell you that they were once at a party at your house where there was a guy working the door wearing a cowboy hat who was a big dick (that's my brother, you jack ass)
--Guys who wear a T-shirt that says "It's not a beer belly...it's a fuel tank for a sex machine"
--Guys who tell you that they believe a woman's sole purpose is to be "a living, breathing hole for a male bigot's erection"
Here are some choice entries from it, referring to those many undateable men in this, sometimes, unforgiving world...
Yes, ladies, these are all actual real experiences of real American women...
Those we cannot date:
207) Guys whose best pick-up line is: "You look like you don't know whether to laugh, puke, or cry."
268) Guys who, in order to try and impress you, say that they've seen Freddy Krueger, demonic raccoons with glowing red eyes, UFOs, annd a psychotic man in a construction hat standing by a mailbox in your home town
303) Guys who invite you to a party where there are two cars parked outside and they tell you that there are twelve people inside a completely dark apartment
347) Guys who tell you that they once saw a dead dog lying by the side of the road and that they stopped the car to beat it with a baseball bat
386) Guys who, when you honk your horn at them, do a U-turn in the middle of a busy street and start chasing you while hanging out the window and yelling, "I want you, You, YOU!!!!"
875) Guys who see a man repairing a roof and inform you that they could "take him out" in five shots or less with the gun that they are for some reason carrying
881) Guys who have a tattoo to match their "NO FEAR" hat
885) Guys who throw bikes off the balcony and hit a car which is driving by and deny it when they realize that their actions are the sole reason why the party they were attending was shut down by the police
1212) Guys who try to impress you with the fact that they have worked at Wal-Mart for 7 years and just got off the midnight shift
1242) Guys who drink so much Rolling Rock while performing in concert that they can no longer play their bass and have to get the roadie to come on stage and play for them
1420) Guys who give you something that means a great deal to them on the first night that you meet them and tell you, "Now, you're my lucky charm." (what am I, a leprachan?)
1686) Guys who have to brag about their package to reassure you that they could give you the greatest sex you could imagine
1726) Guys who assert that they know God is a man "because he made the beer hat"
1852) Guys who come up to you and say, "Hey, I have clymydia. Wanna have sex?"
1919) Guys who say, "Girls are only good for two things...sex...and well actually, I guess girls are only good for one thing."
1951) Guys who end a four hour conversation with you by saying, "Oh, yeah...and I'm not circumsized."
1952) Guys who tell you that the pain they feel in their nipples is a "magic pain"
2048) Convenience store workers who tell you that you are their "favorite customer" and then proceed to ask you for your phone number
2050) Guys who when they leave the table at dinner while you are on a date to go to the restroom, call you and leave a message on your answering machine telling you that they called you when they left the table
2132) Guys who after you casually and meaninglessly say, "stop by sometime," proceed to do so every weekend to confide their life troubles to you
2202) Guys who come to your apartment on Sunday morning and want the beer back they left there Friday night and when you tell them that you don't have it anymore, ask you for your email address so "we can get this all straightened out"
2214) Guys in Paris who stick sausages down the front of their pants and then come up to you and say, "I bet you're staring at my big dick."
2221) Guys who truly believe that the KKK is just a group of "good Christian white boys"
2412) Guys who come up to you at a party and ask you if you like Marvin Gaye. When you reply, "Well, I like the California Raisins," they repeatedly ask you to dance because "it won't mean anything"
2442) Guys who, while they're dancing, spank their asses and when they see that you're looking, spank both cheeks even harder
2463) Guys who are selling their guitars and equipment because they've committed a serious federal crime and are now wanted for questioning by the FBI and need the extra money so they can leave the country
--Guys who tell you that they were once at a party at your house where there was a guy working the door wearing a cowboy hat who was a big dick (that's my brother, you jack ass)
--Guys who wear a T-shirt that says "It's not a beer belly...it's a fuel tank for a sex machine"
--Guys who tell you that they believe a woman's sole purpose is to be "a living, breathing hole for a male bigot's erection"
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
I think I scared the shit out of the soriety chicks I was training today at work...
Jay and I were training them and he didn't know what to do, so I suggested, "three truths and a lie..."
an ice breaker where you introduce the group to yourself and each othera by saying three things about yourself, two of them being true, one of them being a lie...the group then decides what the lie is...
I started the round off by sayin, "I once played in a battle of the bands in Worcester (it was actually a heavy metal battle of the bands), my favorite food is chicken fajitas, and I have eight tattoos with immediate plans to get at least two more..."
my class all guessed that eiher the lie was the heavy metal battle of the bands or the excessive tattooing...
Jay said, "having known you for three years, I would say the chicken fajitas...."
When I revealed, that indeed, I was a strict vegetarian and that the other two statements were true, they all looked at me in horror and awe...thinking, "this is my teacher...a crazy tattooed rocker..."
Damn, yeah...
Again, going with the goal of the summer of striking fear in the hearts of as many people as we can...
Jay and I were training them and he didn't know what to do, so I suggested, "three truths and a lie..."
an ice breaker where you introduce the group to yourself and each othera by saying three things about yourself, two of them being true, one of them being a lie...the group then decides what the lie is...
I started the round off by sayin, "I once played in a battle of the bands in Worcester (it was actually a heavy metal battle of the bands), my favorite food is chicken fajitas, and I have eight tattoos with immediate plans to get at least two more..."
my class all guessed that eiher the lie was the heavy metal battle of the bands or the excessive tattooing...
Jay said, "having known you for three years, I would say the chicken fajitas...."
When I revealed, that indeed, I was a strict vegetarian and that the other two statements were true, they all looked at me in horror and awe...thinking, "this is my teacher...a crazy tattooed rocker..."
Damn, yeah...
Again, going with the goal of the summer of striking fear in the hearts of as many people as we can...
Monday, May 24, 2004
It has recently come to my attention that flight attendants on many major airlines use diet Coke to unclog the sinks in airline bathrooms...and we put that shit into our bodies????
One more reason (and do I really need any more at this point?): a large smelly man squeezed his way into the seat next to me on the train and then proceeded to grind his elbow into my left hipbone...
The patriarchy must be subverted and the only way is to uproot the whole system at its very foundation...
As George said (when he was mistaken as Colin O'Brian), "The fate of the world depends on the outcome of the big game..."
As George said (when he was mistaken as Colin O'Brian), "The fate of the world depends on the outcome of the big game..."
Monday, May 17, 2004
I think that I have finally figured out the way that I want to die...
On my 30th birthday, I would like my friends to accompany me to Transylvania where I will seek out a vampire who would be willing to work the "dark trick." At this point, we will then return home, where I will sleep in my crypt by day and work at the pirate bar by night, therefore, becoming what I believe may be the first vampire pirate.
On my 30th birthday, I would like my friends to accompany me to Transylvania where I will seek out a vampire who would be willing to work the "dark trick." At this point, we will then return home, where I will sleep in my crypt by day and work at the pirate bar by night, therefore, becoming what I believe may be the first vampire pirate.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
Goal for the summer: To inflict as much fear in as many people as possible. Jerry Seinfeld says: "So, you've set different goals for yourself than, say, world peace or curing cancer..."
So, my aunt comes over the other day and she's telling us about how she just can't get over her ex-husband, who she was divorced from 17 years ago. They were only together 9 years, mind you, meaning that they have actually been seperated longer than they knew each other. Nevertheless, she just can't get over Bob, and she just doesn't know how she will ever have closure. That is, she says, unless he were to die. So, several times each year, she actually goes to the Social Security Office to check and see if his SS# is still active. She claims that the day she discovers this number is no longer active (meaning that he is, indeed, dead) is the day that she will finally get some closure in her life and move on...
Here is the travel log of my return flight from Florida (not too eventful but that was good as I actually got in on time and smoothly)...
Tampa Int'l Airport
8:05 am est
My god, I must just look dreadfully strange sitting here in the terminal waiting for my plane. The old woman across from me is shooting me death. Several other people at the gate just stopped what they were doing to stare when I sat down.
8:10am
Barbie is going to be on this flight, clearly proving that it is DEFINITELY not pretty being easy. Damn!! I've never seen so much make-up on one person.
8:14am
There is an older gentleman wearing what appear to be Daisy Dukes.
8:15am
An old man just winked at me.
8:25am
I appear to have this entire row to myself which will be absolutely wonderful. Not to mention no one in the seat behind me which means I could recline my seat all the way back and not feel bad about crushing someone's knees. You know, I figure after all the trouble on the way out here, I could finally use a break.
8:30am
Oh my god, this is a monumental moment. An airtran airways flight is actually going to leave on time. I never thought I'd be witness to this day.
10:20am
My fucking god. A pleasant flight to Baltimore and it actually appears that this flight is going to land ahead of schedule. This is truly a day to make history.
Baltimore-Washington Int'l Airport
11:15am
I just paid fucking $2.62 for a lukewarm bottle of apple juice.
Tampa Int'l Airport
8:05 am est
My god, I must just look dreadfully strange sitting here in the terminal waiting for my plane. The old woman across from me is shooting me death. Several other people at the gate just stopped what they were doing to stare when I sat down.
8:10am
Barbie is going to be on this flight, clearly proving that it is DEFINITELY not pretty being easy. Damn!! I've never seen so much make-up on one person.
8:14am
There is an older gentleman wearing what appear to be Daisy Dukes.
8:15am
An old man just winked at me.
8:25am
I appear to have this entire row to myself which will be absolutely wonderful. Not to mention no one in the seat behind me which means I could recline my seat all the way back and not feel bad about crushing someone's knees. You know, I figure after all the trouble on the way out here, I could finally use a break.
8:30am
Oh my god, this is a monumental moment. An airtran airways flight is actually going to leave on time. I never thought I'd be witness to this day.
10:20am
My fucking god. A pleasant flight to Baltimore and it actually appears that this flight is going to land ahead of schedule. This is truly a day to make history.
Baltimore-Washington Int'l Airport
11:15am
I just paid fucking $2.62 for a lukewarm bottle of apple juice.
Friday, May 14, 2004
Oh, thank god I am leaving Florida in a matter of hours...
We should all be thankful that I am not licensed to carry a gun in this state (or any other, for that matter)...
Today, I got in this argument with an old man over a fucking parking space...
I felt like I was in that episode of Seinfeld where George gets in the fight over a parking space with one of Kramer's friends...
It is a good thing I am leaving because I am truly at the end of my rope...and ready to return, once more, to civilization...
We should all be thankful that I am not licensed to carry a gun in this state (or any other, for that matter)...
Today, I got in this argument with an old man over a fucking parking space...
I felt like I was in that episode of Seinfeld where George gets in the fight over a parking space with one of Kramer's friends...
It is a good thing I am leaving because I am truly at the end of my rope...and ready to return, once more, to civilization...
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
A few choice selctions from The Log's glossary...
1) bus to hell (noun)--a fictitious bus that will take unwanted people away from the vincinity
2) sweating beer (verbal idiom)--when is is so hot and you drank so much beer, if feels like beer is actually coming out of your pores. One must actually smell like beer, also.
3) laying (gerund)--continuous horn honking used to indicate annoyance or anger. On some occasions, laying is engaged in for no apparent reason for unspecified periods of time.
4) front butt (noun)--when pants that are too tight are worn and the zipper splits, serperating the lower abdomen into two distinct sections.
5) temporary moment of insanity (phrase)--dating a crazy person (obvious or not) but not realizing the depth of their insanity until after you've actually broken up.
6) Peter Pan Syndrome (syndrome)--not wanting to grow up.
7) Child Predator Syndrome (syndrome)--preying on children 16 or younger when you are 20 or older. Can be combined with the Peter Pan Syndrome. These syndromes are actually co-morbid in most cases.
8) Cheese Thief (noun)--roommate who wakes up in the middle of the night and consumes an entire block of your chedder cheese and denies it in the morning.
19) Suspicious Rapper (noun)--man who stands outside your kitchen window in the middle of the night and raps rather suspiciously, prompting you to call the police.
10) No Cock Rule (phrase)--party rule that states that if you are being a cock, you must leave
1) bus to hell (noun)--a fictitious bus that will take unwanted people away from the vincinity
2) sweating beer (verbal idiom)--when is is so hot and you drank so much beer, if feels like beer is actually coming out of your pores. One must actually smell like beer, also.
3) laying (gerund)--continuous horn honking used to indicate annoyance or anger. On some occasions, laying is engaged in for no apparent reason for unspecified periods of time.
4) front butt (noun)--when pants that are too tight are worn and the zipper splits, serperating the lower abdomen into two distinct sections.
5) temporary moment of insanity (phrase)--dating a crazy person (obvious or not) but not realizing the depth of their insanity until after you've actually broken up.
6) Peter Pan Syndrome (syndrome)--not wanting to grow up.
7) Child Predator Syndrome (syndrome)--preying on children 16 or younger when you are 20 or older. Can be combined with the Peter Pan Syndrome. These syndromes are actually co-morbid in most cases.
8) Cheese Thief (noun)--roommate who wakes up in the middle of the night and consumes an entire block of your chedder cheese and denies it in the morning.
19) Suspicious Rapper (noun)--man who stands outside your kitchen window in the middle of the night and raps rather suspiciously, prompting you to call the police.
10) No Cock Rule (phrase)--party rule that states that if you are being a cock, you must leave
I am currently in search of a nemesis. Because afterall, every heroine needs a nemesis. I know that there are people who dislike me; in fact, there are probably a few who even downright despise me. But no one who could actually be considered a nemesis. Applications may be mailed to me directly and will be reviewed by a committee of my choosing. The only selection criteria is that he or she must be "merry" (fans of Seinfeld's Newman will understand what I am looking for).
BACKLOG
From the Wild West of Minnesota...
Some residents of MN were dismayed to discover that their elected officials voted through a bill that would allow residents to carry concealed weapons (on their person). It is also permissible to carry a gun on a holster. In order to keep guns out of an establishment, the business actually now has to have a sign outside the entrance that says, "We Ban Guns in Our Establishment." If no signs are present, you can bring your gun, holster and all, inside.
From the Wild West of Minnesota...
Some residents of MN were dismayed to discover that their elected officials voted through a bill that would allow residents to carry concealed weapons (on their person). It is also permissible to carry a gun on a holster. In order to keep guns out of an establishment, the business actually now has to have a sign outside the entrance that says, "We Ban Guns in Our Establishment." If no signs are present, you can bring your gun, holster and all, inside.
Florida is driving me mad...
What kind of white trash haven do I find myself in??
Truly, in a place where the per capita trailer park ratio is so high (and the mullet count appears to be going up each day), you could understand how a liberal left-wing activist such as myself might find herself out of place...
There were no high school boys around to hit on me today...just several shirtless men with large beer guts at the beach (missing several teeth, mind you...)
And Joey at the liquor store who informed me that he thinks girls from Boston are "really cool and we should hang out some time..."
I think I'll have to take a rain check, Joey...
What kind of white trash haven do I find myself in??
Truly, in a place where the per capita trailer park ratio is so high (and the mullet count appears to be going up each day), you could understand how a liberal left-wing activist such as myself might find herself out of place...
There were no high school boys around to hit on me today...just several shirtless men with large beer guts at the beach (missing several teeth, mind you...)
And Joey at the liquor store who informed me that he thinks girls from Boston are "really cool and we should hang out some time..."
I think I'll have to take a rain check, Joey...
Inspired by my favorite vampires...and Kill Bill 2...
I am so tired here
Of sleeping underground
This coffin is too small for me
To shift my weight around
Now, my eyes are dry
And my lips are parched
Who hammered all these nails
Into my beating heart?
I begin to break the walls around me
And loosen up the chains that surround me
You don't want to know
I won't miss you when you go
I've been gone so long
You're suprised...
That I'm alive
You thought years ago, I'd died...
Grave robbers came
And I snapped their necks
No one will take away the space
That I defend
My body's atrophied
From lying in this box
By the force of will, I move my limbs
And command my feet to walk
I begin to reclaim what belongs to me
And accept the things you said were wrong with me
You don't want to know
That I won't miss you when you go
I've been gone so long
You're surprised...
That I'm alive
You thought...years ago, I'd died...
So, close your eyes
When you open them again
You see
Me rise...
I cannot decide
The price I should collect
In exchange for the pain
You inflict
Should I kill you quickly
Or let you beg and weep?
Should I torture you
The way you tortured me?
You begin to see the mistake you made
And realize you should have dug a deeper grave
You don't want to know
That I've reclaimed my soul
I've been quiet here so long
You're surprised...
I'm alive
You thought years ago...I'd died
And now, I'm coming for you
You thought I'd died
But now I'm coming for you
With blood-stained eyes
I'm at your door
Don't scream
No one will hear you scream
I've come for you
You thought I'd died
Aren't you surprised?
I am so tired here
Of sleeping underground
This coffin is too small for me
To shift my weight around
Now, my eyes are dry
And my lips are parched
Who hammered all these nails
Into my beating heart?
I begin to break the walls around me
And loosen up the chains that surround me
You don't want to know
I won't miss you when you go
I've been gone so long
You're suprised...
That I'm alive
You thought years ago, I'd died...
Grave robbers came
And I snapped their necks
No one will take away the space
That I defend
My body's atrophied
From lying in this box
By the force of will, I move my limbs
And command my feet to walk
I begin to reclaim what belongs to me
And accept the things you said were wrong with me
You don't want to know
That I won't miss you when you go
I've been gone so long
You're surprised...
That I'm alive
You thought...years ago, I'd died...
So, close your eyes
When you open them again
You see
Me rise...
I cannot decide
The price I should collect
In exchange for the pain
You inflict
Should I kill you quickly
Or let you beg and weep?
Should I torture you
The way you tortured me?
You begin to see the mistake you made
And realize you should have dug a deeper grave
You don't want to know
That I've reclaimed my soul
I've been quiet here so long
You're surprised...
I'm alive
You thought years ago...I'd died
And now, I'm coming for you
You thought I'd died
But now I'm coming for you
With blood-stained eyes
I'm at your door
Don't scream
No one will hear you scream
I've come for you
You thought I'd died
Aren't you surprised?
Sunday, May 09, 2004
So, my mom wanted to go to Epcot today...though, I am, officially, boycotting Disney and all affiliates...I decided I had to appease her...afterall, it was Mother's Day today...and mothers are supposed to get what they want on this one day...
So, I went...into the epitome of all of the commercial American evil...that this company represents...$174 for my father to purchase 3 tickets into the park...plus, parking...and food (though, I was smart this time and packed a sandwich knowing that Disney would have little to offer strict vegetarians)...
The take-home message...besides evil American consumerism...was that the statistics that state that nearly 60% of all americans are severaly overweight to morbidly obese...appear to be true...the figure may actually have been higher at this particular Disney theme park today...not only that, but I cringed at the food that was being shoved down the throats of their morbidly obese children...surely, this is some form of child abuse...what is the world coming to????
So, I went...into the epitome of all of the commercial American evil...that this company represents...$174 for my father to purchase 3 tickets into the park...plus, parking...and food (though, I was smart this time and packed a sandwich knowing that Disney would have little to offer strict vegetarians)...
The take-home message...besides evil American consumerism...was that the statistics that state that nearly 60% of all americans are severaly overweight to morbidly obese...appear to be true...the figure may actually have been higher at this particular Disney theme park today...not only that, but I cringed at the food that was being shoved down the throats of their morbidly obese children...surely, this is some form of child abuse...what is the world coming to????
Saturday, May 08, 2004
There is a block party going down the street right now...my mom thinks I should go..."you might meet some fun men..."
Perhaps, but most of them will probably be sporting mullets...
Perhaps, but most of them will probably be sporting mullets...
I stick out like a sore thumb here in Hillsborough County...
People stare...my mom says it's because no one wears combat boots in these parts..."it's too hot," she says, "you look weird.."
This may not be the deep south, but sometimes, it sure as hell feels like it...
People stare...my mom says it's because no one wears combat boots in these parts..."it's too hot," she says, "you look weird.."
This may not be the deep south, but sometimes, it sure as hell feels like it...
So, I'm sitting at the movies tonight waiting for my dad to get back with the popcorn...and this guy (I use the term loosely)...starts talking to me..."hey baby, what's that tattoo on your neck?" "a chinese symbol," I reply, "one of my best friends is chinese..."
Then he starts talking to me about anime and the Dropkick Murpheys..."
"Hey, baby, I'm going to be 20 tomorrow..."
As if I care...
"My bmx is parked right outside. Want a ride home?"
"no, my dad will drive me home..."
What the fuck??
Then he starts talking to me about anime and the Dropkick Murpheys..."
"Hey, baby, I'm going to be 20 tomorrow..."
As if I care...
"My bmx is parked right outside. Want a ride home?"
"no, my dad will drive me home..."
What the fuck??
Friday, May 07, 2004
BACKLOG:
While in California a few months ago, I visited a Barnes & Nobles in Santa Monica. As I was browsing, I spotted a section of the store labelled "Teen-Inspirational."
I am hoping that the person who set up the section just simply had no idea what they were doing or else, I'm going to be very worried...Right underneath the words "Teen-Inspirational" were all of the fashion magazines-including Cosmo, Glamour, and Teen People. Now, what exactly are those magazines supposed to inspire in teens-except maybe the development of full-fledged anorexia or bulimia...I'm not sure...
While in California a few months ago, I visited a Barnes & Nobles in Santa Monica. As I was browsing, I spotted a section of the store labelled "Teen-Inspirational."
I am hoping that the person who set up the section just simply had no idea what they were doing or else, I'm going to be very worried...Right underneath the words "Teen-Inspirational" were all of the fashion magazines-including Cosmo, Glamour, and Teen People. Now, what exactly are those magazines supposed to inspire in teens-except maybe the development of full-fledged anorexia or bulimia...I'm not sure...
This is going to be a long post, for I am going to recount for you the tale of my flight to Tampa today (I was logging the whole way there...)
2:10 est
Airtran Airways Terminal-Logan Intl Airport
The girl wearing the Van Dutch T-shirt needs to stop staring at me. Doesn't she realize that I am a pirate and could strike fear into her heart?
2:15pm
It appears that Coolio will be flying to Atlanta with us today. Jesus Christ, Salmund Rushdie is also here...
2:25pm
I've always wondered...why do people in the aisle seats immediately sit down and buckle their seat belts when the middle and window seats are not yet filled? Inevitably, they will have to get up and let people through...when they're asked to a few minutes later, they sigh and look annoyed...But really, what did they expect? To have a whole row to themselves?
2:35pm
Salmund was sitting in first class when I first boarded the plane. But he has been asked to move back to seat 28E across the aisle from me. Either they've caught on to who he is or he was trying to "pull an Elaine" and sneak into first class with Jerry.
2:40pm
The women diagonal from me are fighting over the Sky Mall catalog from the seat back. They practically ripped it in half. Ladies, settle down...I've got a spare one over here that I'm not using...no need to fight dirty...
2:50pm
The plane was supposed to leave 10 minutes ago, but we are, of course, grounded here in Boston. Air traffic control has apparently all fights on the east coast grounded due to bad weather, though it is sunny and clear here in Boston. It figures. Have I ever been on an Air Tran flight that has left on time? But at least they have not asked us to de-plane yet like the last time I flew Air Tran Airways. I should be quiet now, though...lest I jinx myself...
2:55pm
The women diagonal from me have stopped fighting over the Air Mall catalog and are now getting ready to play a game of Yatzee! One of them looks kind of drunk. But then, you probably would have to be a little drunk to be busting that game out...
2:56pm
Yes!!! The pilot just got on the intercom to update us "on our progress, or rather...lack thereof..."
Apparently, it will probably be another hour before we leave. Though he would like to remind everyone not to leave the aircraft. Now...how exactly would anyone do that with the flight deck door closed and locked? As fas as I know, the windows don't open. How would anyone get out anyway...unless, of course, someone tries to bust open the emergency door...
3:25pm
One hour after boarding this god-forsaken plane, we are still idling here. No one seems to have any clear idea as to what is going on. At least that is what the flight attendent just told Salmund when he rang the overhead bell to ask.
3:30pm
It just ocurred to me...it's sunny and clear and we've been grounded here for the past hour due to inclement weather. Strange. If something really horrible had just happened in the world, grounding all international and domestic flights, would they tell us? Or would they keep us here thinking something else until they knew what to do?
3:35pm
An odd scent just wafted past when a man took his bag out of the overhead compartment. I have been trying to place it for the past fifteen minutes. I suppose I could be mistaken, but I think it smells like rodents...
3:40pm
Still, an as of yet undertermined delay. They don't expect to "even begin to know anything until at least the top of the hour," at which point, we will have been sitting here on this plane (which now does, indeed, smell like rodents) for almost two hours...
3:50pm
Good news from the flight deck. We've finally been released...Now just pray they let us land in Atlanta...I have been on a plane (Air Tran Airways, no less) that circled that airport for almost two hours due to high-speed winds...
4:20pm
We have taxi-ed out to the fucking run-way and have now been informed that we will be sitting here until "at least 37 past the hour." This just keeps getting better and better...
4:40pm
Goddamn...
Well, we are finally in the air...only two and a half hours after boarding what is quickly becoming the flight to hell. Whey the fuck does it smell like paint thinner?
6:00pm
There was a man just standing in the aisle hovering over me. For several minutes. I finally looked up to realize that it was Salmund.
6:15pm
The guy in front of me is reading the "Complete Guide to Juicing"
6:30pm
The woman diagonal from me (the one who was playing Yatzee! earlier) just got out a big wooden mallard duck and now that we have experienced a little turbulance, is frantically stroking it for good luck
6:38pm
Why does it smell like lighter fluid? I am glad that we will be de-planing shortly. That smell is starting to worry me...
8:20pm
Hartfield-Jackson Intl Airport-Atlanta, GA
Laid over in Atlanta. Haven't eaten anything all day except for the inadequately small bag of pretzels served on the first flight. What the hell is a vegetarian supposed to find to eat at an airport, anyway??
Went outside for some fresh air since my layover was so long. Coming back through security, I removed all of my metal (and weapons) as well as my steel-toe boots. The man at security pointed to the boots and exclaimed, "No way!! These yours??" I said yes. He looked at them closely, then back at me. "You in the military, or something?" "No," I replied. "Well, hot damn," he said, "Now, I've seen it all. Pretty girl wearin' combat boots."
Mister, you haven't seen anything yet...wait until I reveal the fact that I am a pirate!!!! YYYAAAARRRR!!!!
8:29pm
I'm sitting at my gate trying to figure out why the hell the flight they are boarding is going to La Guardia. All confused. Then, I realize, oh yeah, this is Air Tran, and they spontaneously just change things for no specified reason without telling anyone. Now, I am sitting at the gate of what appears to be our flight, though you never can tell. You don't really know with Air Tran until you're actually sitting on the plane and even then, it seems to be all up in the air. In fact, while we were sitting at the gate on the last plane, they came on and removed several people who were apparently on the wrong plane. How they managed to get through the gate, I'll never know, but this sure is one big circus Air Tran is running here...
8:37pm
There is a big fucking crowd of people milling around near the gate, including what appears to be an entire college football team, dressed in full uniform. Not only is this plane obviously not leaving on time either (since it is supposed to take-off in 10 minutes and no one has boarded yet), but there are way too many people standing here to fit on it. Leave it to goddamn Air Tran to make a mess of everything. I have to pee, but now I'm afraid that if I leave the gate area, I am liable to lose my seat...
8:41pm
Does anyone around here have any idea what is going on? Please, just don't let one of these football players have the seat next to me...
8:46pm
Mary, mother of god...what's going on here??
There has officially been, yet another gate change. So, everyone goes charging down to the other end of the terminal where a woman is screaming into the intercom, "Get away from the gate! For the love of god, get away from the gate!! You must let these passengers de-plane!! You, in the red uniforms!!" [she is referring to the football team which is at this point, en masse, attempting to storm the gate]. "You, in the red!! Get away from the gate!!"
8:59pm
I have now surrendered my seat for this flight (which is, apparently overbooked)...the next plane leaves in just an hour, anyway, and I will get a free round-trip ticket out of this. And at least, I don't run the risk of potentially have to sit next to one of those rowdy football players...
9:02pm
Well, after all this rigmoral...they don't need my seat afterall...so, I'm boarding now. What the fuck is going on around here??
10:45pm
Just landed in Tampa...holy fucking shit!!
I couldn't log this whole leg of the journey. Because, of course, lucky me...I was seated next to one of the football players (who I found out were in high school, not college...). This one spent his time either talking to me about my tattoos or leaning over me (when I finally pulled out my copy of "Culture Jam" so that I could just read and ignore him) to talk to the girls across the aisle (who told him that they were, in fact, strippers from Vegas...though I overheard them talking amongst themselves that they were actually all in high school and going to visit someone's dad)...
When this football player lifted the armrest between us, I thought, "Houston, we have a problem..." Even moreso, when he said, "Baby, you got a boyfriend?" while trying to touch my leg. Now, do I look like the kind of girl who would date someone from the football team...let alone, someone in high school???
Thank god, this flight is over...
2:10 est
Airtran Airways Terminal-Logan Intl Airport
The girl wearing the Van Dutch T-shirt needs to stop staring at me. Doesn't she realize that I am a pirate and could strike fear into her heart?
2:15pm
It appears that Coolio will be flying to Atlanta with us today. Jesus Christ, Salmund Rushdie is also here...
2:25pm
I've always wondered...why do people in the aisle seats immediately sit down and buckle their seat belts when the middle and window seats are not yet filled? Inevitably, they will have to get up and let people through...when they're asked to a few minutes later, they sigh and look annoyed...But really, what did they expect? To have a whole row to themselves?
2:35pm
Salmund was sitting in first class when I first boarded the plane. But he has been asked to move back to seat 28E across the aisle from me. Either they've caught on to who he is or he was trying to "pull an Elaine" and sneak into first class with Jerry.
2:40pm
The women diagonal from me are fighting over the Sky Mall catalog from the seat back. They practically ripped it in half. Ladies, settle down...I've got a spare one over here that I'm not using...no need to fight dirty...
2:50pm
The plane was supposed to leave 10 minutes ago, but we are, of course, grounded here in Boston. Air traffic control has apparently all fights on the east coast grounded due to bad weather, though it is sunny and clear here in Boston. It figures. Have I ever been on an Air Tran flight that has left on time? But at least they have not asked us to de-plane yet like the last time I flew Air Tran Airways. I should be quiet now, though...lest I jinx myself...
2:55pm
The women diagonal from me have stopped fighting over the Air Mall catalog and are now getting ready to play a game of Yatzee! One of them looks kind of drunk. But then, you probably would have to be a little drunk to be busting that game out...
2:56pm
Yes!!! The pilot just got on the intercom to update us "on our progress, or rather...lack thereof..."
Apparently, it will probably be another hour before we leave. Though he would like to remind everyone not to leave the aircraft. Now...how exactly would anyone do that with the flight deck door closed and locked? As fas as I know, the windows don't open. How would anyone get out anyway...unless, of course, someone tries to bust open the emergency door...
3:25pm
One hour after boarding this god-forsaken plane, we are still idling here. No one seems to have any clear idea as to what is going on. At least that is what the flight attendent just told Salmund when he rang the overhead bell to ask.
3:30pm
It just ocurred to me...it's sunny and clear and we've been grounded here for the past hour due to inclement weather. Strange. If something really horrible had just happened in the world, grounding all international and domestic flights, would they tell us? Or would they keep us here thinking something else until they knew what to do?
3:35pm
An odd scent just wafted past when a man took his bag out of the overhead compartment. I have been trying to place it for the past fifteen minutes. I suppose I could be mistaken, but I think it smells like rodents...
3:40pm
Still, an as of yet undertermined delay. They don't expect to "even begin to know anything until at least the top of the hour," at which point, we will have been sitting here on this plane (which now does, indeed, smell like rodents) for almost two hours...
3:50pm
Good news from the flight deck. We've finally been released...Now just pray they let us land in Atlanta...I have been on a plane (Air Tran Airways, no less) that circled that airport for almost two hours due to high-speed winds...
4:20pm
We have taxi-ed out to the fucking run-way and have now been informed that we will be sitting here until "at least 37 past the hour." This just keeps getting better and better...
4:40pm
Goddamn...
Well, we are finally in the air...only two and a half hours after boarding what is quickly becoming the flight to hell. Whey the fuck does it smell like paint thinner?
6:00pm
There was a man just standing in the aisle hovering over me. For several minutes. I finally looked up to realize that it was Salmund.
6:15pm
The guy in front of me is reading the "Complete Guide to Juicing"
6:30pm
The woman diagonal from me (the one who was playing Yatzee! earlier) just got out a big wooden mallard duck and now that we have experienced a little turbulance, is frantically stroking it for good luck
6:38pm
Why does it smell like lighter fluid? I am glad that we will be de-planing shortly. That smell is starting to worry me...
8:20pm
Hartfield-Jackson Intl Airport-Atlanta, GA
Laid over in Atlanta. Haven't eaten anything all day except for the inadequately small bag of pretzels served on the first flight. What the hell is a vegetarian supposed to find to eat at an airport, anyway??
Went outside for some fresh air since my layover was so long. Coming back through security, I removed all of my metal (and weapons) as well as my steel-toe boots. The man at security pointed to the boots and exclaimed, "No way!! These yours??" I said yes. He looked at them closely, then back at me. "You in the military, or something?" "No," I replied. "Well, hot damn," he said, "Now, I've seen it all. Pretty girl wearin' combat boots."
Mister, you haven't seen anything yet...wait until I reveal the fact that I am a pirate!!!! YYYAAAARRRR!!!!
8:29pm
I'm sitting at my gate trying to figure out why the hell the flight they are boarding is going to La Guardia. All confused. Then, I realize, oh yeah, this is Air Tran, and they spontaneously just change things for no specified reason without telling anyone. Now, I am sitting at the gate of what appears to be our flight, though you never can tell. You don't really know with Air Tran until you're actually sitting on the plane and even then, it seems to be all up in the air. In fact, while we were sitting at the gate on the last plane, they came on and removed several people who were apparently on the wrong plane. How they managed to get through the gate, I'll never know, but this sure is one big circus Air Tran is running here...
8:37pm
There is a big fucking crowd of people milling around near the gate, including what appears to be an entire college football team, dressed in full uniform. Not only is this plane obviously not leaving on time either (since it is supposed to take-off in 10 minutes and no one has boarded yet), but there are way too many people standing here to fit on it. Leave it to goddamn Air Tran to make a mess of everything. I have to pee, but now I'm afraid that if I leave the gate area, I am liable to lose my seat...
8:41pm
Does anyone around here have any idea what is going on? Please, just don't let one of these football players have the seat next to me...
8:46pm
Mary, mother of god...what's going on here??
There has officially been, yet another gate change. So, everyone goes charging down to the other end of the terminal where a woman is screaming into the intercom, "Get away from the gate! For the love of god, get away from the gate!! You must let these passengers de-plane!! You, in the red uniforms!!" [she is referring to the football team which is at this point, en masse, attempting to storm the gate]. "You, in the red!! Get away from the gate!!"
8:59pm
I have now surrendered my seat for this flight (which is, apparently overbooked)...the next plane leaves in just an hour, anyway, and I will get a free round-trip ticket out of this. And at least, I don't run the risk of potentially have to sit next to one of those rowdy football players...
9:02pm
Well, after all this rigmoral...they don't need my seat afterall...so, I'm boarding now. What the fuck is going on around here??
10:45pm
Just landed in Tampa...holy fucking shit!!
I couldn't log this whole leg of the journey. Because, of course, lucky me...I was seated next to one of the football players (who I found out were in high school, not college...). This one spent his time either talking to me about my tattoos or leaning over me (when I finally pulled out my copy of "Culture Jam" so that I could just read and ignore him) to talk to the girls across the aisle (who told him that they were, in fact, strippers from Vegas...though I overheard them talking amongst themselves that they were actually all in high school and going to visit someone's dad)...
When this football player lifted the armrest between us, I thought, "Houston, we have a problem..." Even moreso, when he said, "Baby, you got a boyfriend?" while trying to touch my leg. Now, do I look like the kind of girl who would date someone from the football team...let alone, someone in high school???
Thank god, this flight is over...
Sunday, May 02, 2004
So, I guess that my pirate name is supposed to be Mad Dog Little. I'm not so sure that I'm down with that. Afterall, it is a bum wine...
If anyway has any suggestions, please let me know. I am desperately in search of a new pirate name...
If anyway has any suggestions, please let me know. I am desperately in search of a new pirate name...
NOTE: I have gotten much response regarding this post...many people are very confused..for example, "why wasn't I invited to the wedding?" Now, I can see how this might be confusing...if you are reading this literally...you would really just have to have been there to have any clue what we're talking about...besides, as far as I could tell, no one there was licensed to be marrying anyone and the guy who notorized everything was just a drunk fool who looked a lot like Michael Bolton...NOTE...do not read this literally...though she would be the best wife (or not wife)
So, uh, yeah, I got married...and we signed the pre-nups and everything. Of course this was after staying up all night and drinking about six shots of Captain Morgan's and god knows how many glasses of tequila punch and bottles of hard cider. But nevertheless, Rachel is the best wife (or not wife) that anyone could ever have...and my idol...as well as my former and future co-worker at the pirate bar...what a night...I only wish that people had taken pictures...but damn, those wedding cupcakes were great and the honeymoon was amazing...even if it was just a trip down the block to harrass those men from New Zealand that crashed the party...
So, uh, yeah, I got married...and we signed the pre-nups and everything. Of course this was after staying up all night and drinking about six shots of Captain Morgan's and god knows how many glasses of tequila punch and bottles of hard cider. But nevertheless, Rachel is the best wife (or not wife) that anyone could ever have...and my idol...as well as my former and future co-worker at the pirate bar...what a night...I only wish that people had taken pictures...but damn, those wedding cupcakes were great and the honeymoon was amazing...even if it was just a trip down the block to harrass those men from New Zealand that crashed the party...
Saturday, May 01, 2004
FYI...in case some of you didn't know this...Bill Gates likes to attend goth clubs and he was spotted at ManRays tonight wearing a cape...
