Thursday, September 29, 2005
MY CONVERSATION WITH MR. CARTER TODAY...
Mr. Carter: “Carters?”
Debbie: “Tell me that you know…without a shadow of a doubt…that Clint will come back…and I will believe you.”
Mr. Carter: “He will come back…I know. Unless he’s in jail for several years or something…he’s coming back.”
Debbie: “I hope so.”
Mr. Carter: “I know that you are at your wit’s end with this.”
Debbie: “I lost my faith Tuesday night. And flipped out. I said that I wasn’t calling you anymore and I wasn’t speaking his name ever again. That I was just done. I wrote the song that nobody wanted to hear from me. But then by Wednesday night, my outlook changed and I wrote another song about finding him.”
Mr. Carter: “What happened to change it?”
Debbie: “I realized that I couldn’t let him go. I couldn’t give up on finding him again.”
Mr. Carter: “I could tell on Tuesday afternoon when I talked to you that something was wrong. I know that no one can be in your shoes and no one can possibly know what it’s like to go through this. But you’ve made a decision to go after what you want and you have to be optimistic. With our optimism, it will all turn out okay. There are many outcomes and all will be good.”
Debbie: “There is only one outcome that would be good. For Clint to come back.”
Mr. Carter: “He will come back. I don’t’ know when. I wish I could tell you when and I wish that there was something I could do to help you more than I have.”
Debbie: “Oh…I just wish I had taken that letter down there one day earlier…when he was at the garage. Before he disappeared. If only I had taken it down one day earlier. Why the hell didn’t I take the letter down JUST ONE DAY EARLIER??”
Mr. Carter: “Well, it would be a different story then. And you know what, things happen the way they’re supposed to…and they happen for reasons. And we can’t pretend to always understand them.”
Debbie: “I wish I could understand them.”
Mr. Carter: “It’s okay to have all these different emotions and be frustrated with the situation. But try to stay optimistic underneath it all. Clint will come back.”
Debbie: “I know.”
Mr. Carter: “Carters?”
Debbie: “Tell me that you know…without a shadow of a doubt…that Clint will come back…and I will believe you.”
Mr. Carter: “He will come back…I know. Unless he’s in jail for several years or something…he’s coming back.”
Debbie: “I hope so.”
Mr. Carter: “I know that you are at your wit’s end with this.”
Debbie: “I lost my faith Tuesday night. And flipped out. I said that I wasn’t calling you anymore and I wasn’t speaking his name ever again. That I was just done. I wrote the song that nobody wanted to hear from me. But then by Wednesday night, my outlook changed and I wrote another song about finding him.”
Mr. Carter: “What happened to change it?”
Debbie: “I realized that I couldn’t let him go. I couldn’t give up on finding him again.”
Mr. Carter: “I could tell on Tuesday afternoon when I talked to you that something was wrong. I know that no one can be in your shoes and no one can possibly know what it’s like to go through this. But you’ve made a decision to go after what you want and you have to be optimistic. With our optimism, it will all turn out okay. There are many outcomes and all will be good.”
Debbie: “There is only one outcome that would be good. For Clint to come back.”
Mr. Carter: “He will come back. I don’t’ know when. I wish I could tell you when and I wish that there was something I could do to help you more than I have.”
Debbie: “Oh…I just wish I had taken that letter down there one day earlier…when he was at the garage. Before he disappeared. If only I had taken it down one day earlier. Why the hell didn’t I take the letter down JUST ONE DAY EARLIER??”
Mr. Carter: “Well, it would be a different story then. And you know what, things happen the way they’re supposed to…and they happen for reasons. And we can’t pretend to always understand them.”
Debbie: “I wish I could understand them.”
Mr. Carter: “It’s okay to have all these different emotions and be frustrated with the situation. But try to stay optimistic underneath it all. Clint will come back.”
Debbie: “I know.”
SONG 46...so, I have finally caught up...that's 46 songs for this goddamn man in 46 weeks...I think I now officially take the title of Prolific Songwriter
_____________________________________________________________________
SCENE OF THE CRIME
I…was at the scene of the crime
No alibi
I was aiding and abetting you
You…didn’t even need a disguise
Just walked right in
And had the place cleaned out in no time
You’re as good at lifting other things as you are lifting cars
But if you know what’s good for you…
You’ll return with my heisted heart
**CHORUS**
Hey…I don’t wanna detain you
No…I…only want a little of your time
Hey…I don’t wanna convict you
No…I…only want a share of what’s mine
Now, I hear you’re out on the lam
Stay low to the ground
Cause you never know who’s on your trail
But you…you can’t stay hidden for long
It’s just a simple truth
And the search is still going on strong
I’m as good at finding things as you think you are at stealing them
In fact, I know that you’ll return
To the crime scene once again
**Chorus**
I…I think you need
An accomplice like me
Cause we’re not of this world
I…I think you’ll find
When you’re done running blind
You could use the help I can provide…
I…I left the scene of the crime
And when I went back
You had disappeared into the night
You…you pick-pocketed me
It was all in your look
But it wasn’t my money you took
You’re as good at stealing other things as you are at stealing cars
But I swear I won’t press charges
If you return just half my heart
**Chorus**
Return to the scene of the crime
Cause I only want a share of what's mine...
_____________________________________________________________________
SCENE OF THE CRIME
I…was at the scene of the crime
No alibi
I was aiding and abetting you
You…didn’t even need a disguise
Just walked right in
And had the place cleaned out in no time
You’re as good at lifting other things as you are lifting cars
But if you know what’s good for you…
You’ll return with my heisted heart
**CHORUS**
Hey…I don’t wanna detain you
No…I…only want a little of your time
Hey…I don’t wanna convict you
No…I…only want a share of what’s mine
Now, I hear you’re out on the lam
Stay low to the ground
Cause you never know who’s on your trail
But you…you can’t stay hidden for long
It’s just a simple truth
And the search is still going on strong
I’m as good at finding things as you think you are at stealing them
In fact, I know that you’ll return
To the crime scene once again
**Chorus**
I…I think you need
An accomplice like me
Cause we’re not of this world
I…I think you’ll find
When you’re done running blind
You could use the help I can provide…
I…I left the scene of the crime
And when I went back
You had disappeared into the night
You…you pick-pocketed me
It was all in your look
But it wasn’t my money you took
You’re as good at stealing other things as you are at stealing cars
But I swear I won’t press charges
If you return just half my heart
**Chorus**
Return to the scene of the crime
Cause I only want a share of what's mine...
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
SONG 45...That's 45 in 46 weeks...
______________________________________________________________________
NOW YOU'LL NEVER KNOW
Release me…
Release your hold
If you’re not coming back,
Then let me go
Cause I’ve been down this road
At the end, there is no light
Only the agony
Of what I never find
Your sun has set
My patience is spent
**CHORUS**
Please…know…
I would have given you anything
But now you’ll never know
I…go…
With this fractured heart
And these shattered bones
I would have given you anything
But now you’ll never know
This is how it starts
The end of poisoned days
My body atrophied
After one year in this cage
But it was life or death
And I’ve given all I can
I had to save some strength
For the swim back
My faith is gone
Along with the sun
**Chorus**
And they think that I am joking
Cause I have said all of this before
But this is how I break…it’s how I break
This is where I speak of you no more…
**CHORUS**
But please…know…
I would have given you anything
And now you’ll never know
I…go…
With this fractured heart
And these shattered bones
I would have given you anything
But now you’ll never know
______________________________________________________________________
NOW YOU'LL NEVER KNOW
Release me…
Release your hold
If you’re not coming back,
Then let me go
Cause I’ve been down this road
At the end, there is no light
Only the agony
Of what I never find
Your sun has set
My patience is spent
**CHORUS**
Please…know…
I would have given you anything
But now you’ll never know
I…go…
With this fractured heart
And these shattered bones
I would have given you anything
But now you’ll never know
This is how it starts
The end of poisoned days
My body atrophied
After one year in this cage
But it was life or death
And I’ve given all I can
I had to save some strength
For the swim back
My faith is gone
Along with the sun
**Chorus**
And they think that I am joking
Cause I have said all of this before
But this is how I break…it’s how I break
This is where I speak of you no more…
**CHORUS**
But please…know…
I would have given you anything
And now you’ll never know
I…go…
With this fractured heart
And these shattered bones
I would have given you anything
But now you’ll never know
Monday, September 26, 2005
MR. CARTER’S DREAMS
Last night Mr. Carter dreamt that Clint came to his shop and Carter said to him, “Listen, I’ve got a really exciting car deal for you to work on. But we have to go down to Hollywood and we can meet up with the person who has the deal.” Clint agreed and they drove down to Canter’s deli on Fairfax where this mysterious person with “the really exciting deal” was supposed to meet them. Carter left Clint in one of the booths and called me from the pay phone outside the deli. He told me that he had some things that he wanted to talk to me about and could I meet him down there for dinner? He also told me to tell Beth to “get in the kitchen and start making brownies.” But in the dream, I didn’t catch his drift and showed up at Canter’s completely unaware of who I was about to see (in actual life, Beth and Carter have an ongoing agreement that she will bake him “brownies every week for the rest of his natural life once Clint is found.”).
Beth and I arrive at Canter’s to meet him and there is Clint sitting with him in the booth. In the dream, we talk for awhile and at the end of the night, Clint says to me, “Look, I have to go down to Mexico for a few days to work on something, but it will only take a few days and then I’ll be back. I think you’re really amazing and I promise that I will not forget what you have done for me and I will not forget to call you when I get back because I need to see you again.”
Carter says he then woke up.
I was very affected by the telling of this dream. I don’t know why. Very much so by Clint’s speech at the end of the dream and because his reaction to me and the story was so positive.
I told Carter, though, that I don’t see how this scenario could really happen or would be the way we would meet for the second time. But I am very intrigued by his dreams, nevertheless. He told me that he simply thinks he was dreaming of the meeting as a premonition that it is coming soon, but the dream and the actual scenario in it just goes the way it goes (as things do in dreams). Part of it may be day residue (meeting at the deli and the comment about the brownies), but he believes that there is a reason that he keeps dreaming about mine and Clint’s second meeting.
As I’ve mentioned before, Mr. Carter has told me in the past that he has had dreams that come true. He said that just this past week, he dreamed of a car deal that he later received that week.
I don’t know the meaning of these dreams or how we’re supposed to interpret them or this part of the story…
But it gives me hope that he has them…
Last night Mr. Carter dreamt that Clint came to his shop and Carter said to him, “Listen, I’ve got a really exciting car deal for you to work on. But we have to go down to Hollywood and we can meet up with the person who has the deal.” Clint agreed and they drove down to Canter’s deli on Fairfax where this mysterious person with “the really exciting deal” was supposed to meet them. Carter left Clint in one of the booths and called me from the pay phone outside the deli. He told me that he had some things that he wanted to talk to me about and could I meet him down there for dinner? He also told me to tell Beth to “get in the kitchen and start making brownies.” But in the dream, I didn’t catch his drift and showed up at Canter’s completely unaware of who I was about to see (in actual life, Beth and Carter have an ongoing agreement that she will bake him “brownies every week for the rest of his natural life once Clint is found.”).
Beth and I arrive at Canter’s to meet him and there is Clint sitting with him in the booth. In the dream, we talk for awhile and at the end of the night, Clint says to me, “Look, I have to go down to Mexico for a few days to work on something, but it will only take a few days and then I’ll be back. I think you’re really amazing and I promise that I will not forget what you have done for me and I will not forget to call you when I get back because I need to see you again.”
Carter says he then woke up.
I was very affected by the telling of this dream. I don’t know why. Very much so by Clint’s speech at the end of the dream and because his reaction to me and the story was so positive.
I told Carter, though, that I don’t see how this scenario could really happen or would be the way we would meet for the second time. But I am very intrigued by his dreams, nevertheless. He told me that he simply thinks he was dreaming of the meeting as a premonition that it is coming soon, but the dream and the actual scenario in it just goes the way it goes (as things do in dreams). Part of it may be day residue (meeting at the deli and the comment about the brownies), but he believes that there is a reason that he keeps dreaming about mine and Clint’s second meeting.
As I’ve mentioned before, Mr. Carter has told me in the past that he has had dreams that come true. He said that just this past week, he dreamed of a car deal that he later received that week.
I don’t know the meaning of these dreams or how we’re supposed to interpret them or this part of the story…
But it gives me hope that he has them…
THE CLINT LOOK-A-LIKE’S PICTURE AND OTHER NEWS:
I have the picture which I will post if anyone knows how to post pictures on this blog.
This Clint-look-a-like has since cut off all his hair, which is mainly what makes him look so different. Though, there is a resemblance I can see, mostly in the eyes. Clint is thinner than this man and has a narrower face, but like I said, I can see the resemblance. I informed Mr. Carter that I felt Clint was much more attractive than his look-a-like and he told me that was only because I was biased.
There is also an actor on the show Everwood named Gregory Smith. I had a picture of him cut out from a magazine to show Mr. Carter my perception of what Clint looked like. I had previously seen a billboard on Highland Ave. for this program, and each time I drove past it, I was always taken aback by how much that actor looks like Clint. I showed Mr. Carter the picture and he told me that this man definitely looked like the Clint he knew, though he added “this guy is kind of a pretty boy; Clint is much more rugged.” Which, is exactly what I remember…and is half the reason I was attracted to him so much in the first place.
Beth spoke with Mr. Carter last night. We are having dinner with him tomorrow night (at a little Indian restaurant in North Hollywood). Mr. Carter told her that he knows that all of this is very hard for me and he knows that at times, I get frustrated with the situation. But he adds: “I know this will all come to be. You’ve had your premonitions and I have had mine as well.”
Will the second meeting come this week? Only time will tell…
Updates will follow…
I have the picture which I will post if anyone knows how to post pictures on this blog.
This Clint-look-a-like has since cut off all his hair, which is mainly what makes him look so different. Though, there is a resemblance I can see, mostly in the eyes. Clint is thinner than this man and has a narrower face, but like I said, I can see the resemblance. I informed Mr. Carter that I felt Clint was much more attractive than his look-a-like and he told me that was only because I was biased.
There is also an actor on the show Everwood named Gregory Smith. I had a picture of him cut out from a magazine to show Mr. Carter my perception of what Clint looked like. I had previously seen a billboard on Highland Ave. for this program, and each time I drove past it, I was always taken aback by how much that actor looks like Clint. I showed Mr. Carter the picture and he told me that this man definitely looked like the Clint he knew, though he added “this guy is kind of a pretty boy; Clint is much more rugged.” Which, is exactly what I remember…and is half the reason I was attracted to him so much in the first place.
Beth spoke with Mr. Carter last night. We are having dinner with him tomorrow night (at a little Indian restaurant in North Hollywood). Mr. Carter told her that he knows that all of this is very hard for me and he knows that at times, I get frustrated with the situation. But he adds: “I know this will all come to be. You’ve had your premonitions and I have had mine as well.”
Will the second meeting come this week? Only time will tell…
Updates will follow…
HARVEST
I forgot to mention before that when I was at the garage on Friday afternoon, I asked Carter about the origins of his first name, since Gareth is not very common. He told me that his mother was originally from North Dakota and though a lot of people don’t know this, she was a very educated woman. He told me that he was named after a character from literature. “But I bet you don’t know which one,” he added. “Of course, I do,” I replied, “Gareth was one of the Knights of the Round Table.” He was completely taken aback that I would know this. But I explained to him that one of my secret obsessions is the King Arthur story. In fact, the irony of all of it is that I was reading and carrying with me “The Once and Future King” the very night I met Clint.
Today, while I was speaking with Carter, I told him that I had done some thinking about his name. I explained to him that I had realized the knights began to return from the Grail Quest around Michaelmas. Michealmas is an old Catholic holiday devoted to the archangel Michael. It also coincidentally (or not so coincidentally) falls around the time of the Harvest Moon and the Fall Equinox. On most calendars, Michaelmas would be celebrated on September 29th. As we all know, this is Thursday of this week. If one were to think of the Clint Search as a type of Grail Quest, so to speak, perhaps his return comes around this time, as well as around the time of the Harvest, when we “harvest all things hoped for over the past year.”
Perhaps all coincidence…but perhaps not…
SONG 44...keep 'em coming until there's a change...
______________________________________________________________________
OCTOBER
You come around as the days grow shorter
The shadows creeping up the walls
I think I knew it all along
Since the harvest comes in fall
Summer breaks and the days grow cooler
The sun sets with a deeper slant
One by one, the birds head south
As you migrate back
The earth spins…round and round
I rise…from underground
I am waiting for you to come back home
**CHORUS**
Oh…meet me in October
Oh…return to me October
Oh…waiting for October
Oh…see you in October
See you in October…
Where do you sleep when you’re on the road?
Oh your transitory flight?
Very soon, I’ll have all the answers
But I have none tonight
The minutes move like a ticking bomb
Suspense is up as time winds down
I’ve been falling all this time
How will my landing sound?
You retreat…half the year
Rise from the ashes dear
You have no idea what you’re coming home to now
**Chorus**
Oh, Libra tip the scales
And tell me that I have paid the toll
To travel on this road
Oh, Venus do be kind
And tell me I’ve balanced all the debts
That I had left behind
You come to me and it’s like my birthday
You hold my gaze and we are reborn
Until that moment we never knew
What our star-crossed feet led us toward
Oh…surrender your control
Fate…has us in it’s hold
As this journey ends, a new beginning unfolds
**Chorus**
See you in October...
I forgot to mention before that when I was at the garage on Friday afternoon, I asked Carter about the origins of his first name, since Gareth is not very common. He told me that his mother was originally from North Dakota and though a lot of people don’t know this, she was a very educated woman. He told me that he was named after a character from literature. “But I bet you don’t know which one,” he added. “Of course, I do,” I replied, “Gareth was one of the Knights of the Round Table.” He was completely taken aback that I would know this. But I explained to him that one of my secret obsessions is the King Arthur story. In fact, the irony of all of it is that I was reading and carrying with me “The Once and Future King” the very night I met Clint.
Today, while I was speaking with Carter, I told him that I had done some thinking about his name. I explained to him that I had realized the knights began to return from the Grail Quest around Michaelmas. Michealmas is an old Catholic holiday devoted to the archangel Michael. It also coincidentally (or not so coincidentally) falls around the time of the Harvest Moon and the Fall Equinox. On most calendars, Michaelmas would be celebrated on September 29th. As we all know, this is Thursday of this week. If one were to think of the Clint Search as a type of Grail Quest, so to speak, perhaps his return comes around this time, as well as around the time of the Harvest, when we “harvest all things hoped for over the past year.”
Perhaps all coincidence…but perhaps not…
SONG 44...keep 'em coming until there's a change...
______________________________________________________________________
OCTOBER
You come around as the days grow shorter
The shadows creeping up the walls
I think I knew it all along
Since the harvest comes in fall
Summer breaks and the days grow cooler
The sun sets with a deeper slant
One by one, the birds head south
As you migrate back
The earth spins…round and round
I rise…from underground
I am waiting for you to come back home
**CHORUS**
Oh…meet me in October
Oh…return to me October
Oh…waiting for October
Oh…see you in October
See you in October…
Where do you sleep when you’re on the road?
Oh your transitory flight?
Very soon, I’ll have all the answers
But I have none tonight
The minutes move like a ticking bomb
Suspense is up as time winds down
I’ve been falling all this time
How will my landing sound?
You retreat…half the year
Rise from the ashes dear
You have no idea what you’re coming home to now
**Chorus**
Oh, Libra tip the scales
And tell me that I have paid the toll
To travel on this road
Oh, Venus do be kind
And tell me I’ve balanced all the debts
That I had left behind
You come to me and it’s like my birthday
You hold my gaze and we are reborn
Until that moment we never knew
What our star-crossed feet led us toward
Oh…surrender your control
Fate…has us in it’s hold
As this journey ends, a new beginning unfolds
**Chorus**
See you in October...
Thursday, September 22, 2005
CLINT UPDATE...
I am going to Carter's this afternoon to try and get the picture of the Clint-look-a-like...
This should be interesting...
I am going to Carter's this afternoon to try and get the picture of the Clint-look-a-like...
This should be interesting...
SONG 43...what is the magic number????
____________________________________________________________________
NEVER GO AWAY
I watched you cross the sidewalk
Those calculated steps
To lean up against the lamppost
And invade my loneliness
Your not-so-subtle gestures
And how you looked amazed
That I didn’t catch what was behind your stare
Until I’d walked away
Aching that I left too quick
You have haunted every moment since
**CHORUS**
Oh…oh…you never go away
Oh…oh…you never go away
Oh…oh…I can’t make you go away
Oh…oh…cause you never go away
(5 minutes is all I need to tell you what you’ve done to me)
I’m intrigued by darkness
By what my eyes can’t see
So it’s true if this were simple
There would be no mystery
Yet, it’s dangerous to want you
Cause that makes me feel detained
This padded cell is growing smaller
Each and every day
When you come back, I'll feel better I am sure
Haunted til the moment you return
**Chorus**
(One smile was all it took…baited, now I’m on your hook)
I need light
I…dream in black in white
I am blind
I…I have lost my sight
Until today I never had the
Opportunity
To catch you unaware
And show you that I bleed
Day fades into night
And then rolls into the next day
But this afternoon
You might come and dig me from this grave
Patience is what I’ve always lacked the most
But I’ve been patiently haunted by your ghost
**Chorus**
You never go away...
You never go away...
____________________________________________________________________
NEVER GO AWAY
I watched you cross the sidewalk
Those calculated steps
To lean up against the lamppost
And invade my loneliness
Your not-so-subtle gestures
And how you looked amazed
That I didn’t catch what was behind your stare
Until I’d walked away
Aching that I left too quick
You have haunted every moment since
**CHORUS**
Oh…oh…you never go away
Oh…oh…you never go away
Oh…oh…I can’t make you go away
Oh…oh…cause you never go away
(5 minutes is all I need to tell you what you’ve done to me)
I’m intrigued by darkness
By what my eyes can’t see
So it’s true if this were simple
There would be no mystery
Yet, it’s dangerous to want you
Cause that makes me feel detained
This padded cell is growing smaller
Each and every day
When you come back, I'll feel better I am sure
Haunted til the moment you return
**Chorus**
(One smile was all it took…baited, now I’m on your hook)
I need light
I…dream in black in white
I am blind
I…I have lost my sight
Until today I never had the
Opportunity
To catch you unaware
And show you that I bleed
Day fades into night
And then rolls into the next day
But this afternoon
You might come and dig me from this grave
Patience is what I’ve always lacked the most
But I’ve been patiently haunted by your ghost
**Chorus**
You never go away...
You never go away...
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
THE CLINT LOOK-A-LIKE
I just spoke with Mr. Carter and today there is no news regarding the Clint search, per se. However, from my conversation with him, I did find out something very interesting. There is apparently, a “Clint look-a-like.” This “Clint-ish” looking man (who is actually named Mark) used to frequent Carter’s garage. He is apparently around the same age as Clint, drives the same type of truck, but he works for a construction firm and is also a musician (who may or may not still be in a rock band in the area). Mark is not involved with Clint or any of his friends in any way and awhile ago, he moved back to Chicago, where he grew up. Carter has not seen him in almost a year, but he rolled down to the garage this morning to see if Carter could do some work on his truck. Apparently, he realized that the weather in Chicago was just too much to handle for him and he moved back to California recently.
Though not related to our story in any way, Carter and I marveled at the irony in all of this. In fact, Carter told me that Mark and Clint look so similar, were I to have driven up to the garage this morning when he was there, I would have initially been mad that Carter didn’t call me up to tell me Clint was down there. They apparently look that similar (though according to Carter, Mark’s hair is a little longer than Clint’s). Mark is supposedly coming back to the garage tomorrow, at which point Carter is going to take a picture of him to show me. He also told me that I could take the picture with me to show people what Clint looks like.
Not that I don’t trust Carter, but if when I look at this picture, this is the spitting image of the man I have been looking for all these months, it will further lend validity to all of this.
Carter also mentioned that he wondered if, perhaps, this was an “omen” of the real Clint’s return. Mark has been away from the shop for many many months. Then, out of the blue, he shows up down there this morning. And from what I understand, this is just the way things seem to work around there. As Mr. Carter bemused: is this a sign of Clint’s haphazard and imminent return?
Updates will follow…
I just spoke with Mr. Carter and today there is no news regarding the Clint search, per se. However, from my conversation with him, I did find out something very interesting. There is apparently, a “Clint look-a-like.” This “Clint-ish” looking man (who is actually named Mark) used to frequent Carter’s garage. He is apparently around the same age as Clint, drives the same type of truck, but he works for a construction firm and is also a musician (who may or may not still be in a rock band in the area). Mark is not involved with Clint or any of his friends in any way and awhile ago, he moved back to Chicago, where he grew up. Carter has not seen him in almost a year, but he rolled down to the garage this morning to see if Carter could do some work on his truck. Apparently, he realized that the weather in Chicago was just too much to handle for him and he moved back to California recently.
Though not related to our story in any way, Carter and I marveled at the irony in all of this. In fact, Carter told me that Mark and Clint look so similar, were I to have driven up to the garage this morning when he was there, I would have initially been mad that Carter didn’t call me up to tell me Clint was down there. They apparently look that similar (though according to Carter, Mark’s hair is a little longer than Clint’s). Mark is supposedly coming back to the garage tomorrow, at which point Carter is going to take a picture of him to show me. He also told me that I could take the picture with me to show people what Clint looks like.
Not that I don’t trust Carter, but if when I look at this picture, this is the spitting image of the man I have been looking for all these months, it will further lend validity to all of this.
Carter also mentioned that he wondered if, perhaps, this was an “omen” of the real Clint’s return. Mark has been away from the shop for many many months. Then, out of the blue, he shows up down there this morning. And from what I understand, this is just the way things seem to work around there. As Mr. Carter bemused: is this a sign of Clint’s haphazard and imminent return?
Updates will follow…
Monday, September 19, 2005
MORE PEOPLE FROM CARTER'S AUTO
15) Karen- Strange affinity for Tweety Bird. 4’ 8” 80 lbs. It is questionable whether this is a man or a woman. Has a lot of car troubles, so he/she is often at Carter’s. Body size indicates that he/she is either a heroin addict or severely anorexic. It has now been confirmed that Jerry, the 6’ 1” transgender woman, is dating Karen as they were spotted making out in the car when Jerry dropped Karen off one day at Carter’s when he/she had come to pick up his/her car. This is a very strange couple and no one can quite figure out what is going on with them. Karen also supposedly has two very tall African American daughters who are very tall and “model-beautiful,” according to Carter, who finds this strange as Karen is extremely short, mousy, and Caucasian.
16) Juan and Carlos- come to the shop every Friday to pick up scrap metal. Were interested in taking a picture of my legs. Said they would pay $50, at which point they were run off the property by Willie.
17) Javier- sells belts, wallets, and DVDs. Stops by the shop every Friday afternoon. Willie bought a brown snakeskin belt from him. Carter bought two belts because “the deal was so good, I just couldn’t resist it” and because according to him, he does not own a belt and needs one because of his upcoming 40-year high school reunion. Javier then tried to sell Carter a backpack full of pirated movies. Carter told him he only bought movies that had “a lot of women in them.” Javier offered him “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo.” Carter told him that was not the kind of movie he was looking for. “Javier, there’s just not enough nudity in it. I only watch movies with naked senoritas,” he said.
18) Eduard- occasionally works for Louie (next door to Carter’s). Has a very severe drug problem. Tried to hang himself one day in the garage but couldn’t figure out how to tie the noose. Louie eventually had to get rid of him because “he was driving my business straight into the ground."
19) Louie- mentioned in previous post. Currently involved in a long-standing feud with Carter due to a dog house Carter claims Louie stole from him.
20) James- sells porno. Carter has agreed to fix James’s mother's car in exchange for $40 worth of porno.
15) Karen- Strange affinity for Tweety Bird. 4’ 8” 80 lbs. It is questionable whether this is a man or a woman. Has a lot of car troubles, so he/she is often at Carter’s. Body size indicates that he/she is either a heroin addict or severely anorexic. It has now been confirmed that Jerry, the 6’ 1” transgender woman, is dating Karen as they were spotted making out in the car when Jerry dropped Karen off one day at Carter’s when he/she had come to pick up his/her car. This is a very strange couple and no one can quite figure out what is going on with them. Karen also supposedly has two very tall African American daughters who are very tall and “model-beautiful,” according to Carter, who finds this strange as Karen is extremely short, mousy, and Caucasian.
16) Juan and Carlos- come to the shop every Friday to pick up scrap metal. Were interested in taking a picture of my legs. Said they would pay $50, at which point they were run off the property by Willie.
17) Javier- sells belts, wallets, and DVDs. Stops by the shop every Friday afternoon. Willie bought a brown snakeskin belt from him. Carter bought two belts because “the deal was so good, I just couldn’t resist it” and because according to him, he does not own a belt and needs one because of his upcoming 40-year high school reunion. Javier then tried to sell Carter a backpack full of pirated movies. Carter told him he only bought movies that had “a lot of women in them.” Javier offered him “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo.” Carter told him that was not the kind of movie he was looking for. “Javier, there’s just not enough nudity in it. I only watch movies with naked senoritas,” he said.
18) Eduard- occasionally works for Louie (next door to Carter’s). Has a very severe drug problem. Tried to hang himself one day in the garage but couldn’t figure out how to tie the noose. Louie eventually had to get rid of him because “he was driving my business straight into the ground."
19) Louie- mentioned in previous post. Currently involved in a long-standing feud with Carter due to a dog house Carter claims Louie stole from him.
20) James- sells porno. Carter has agreed to fix James’s mother's car in exchange for $40 worth of porno.
THE BLACK WIDOW SIGHTED IN SHERMAN OAKS...and other news...
According to Mr. Carter, there is a man, known only as “The Mexican,” who has always been adept at “finding people.” No one knows exactly how he is able to do this…only that he is. This man is, apparently, currently searching for information regarding Mike’s (Clint’s friend's) whereabouts. A lead came in late Friday morning. “The Mexican” spotted “The Black Widow” in Sherman Oaks the day before. “The Black Widow” is a woman who used to (or may currently) be dating Mike. According to Carter, she is “the worst of the worst,” but she would most likely know where Mike (and therefore, Clint) is. Over the past several years, she has periodically come to Carter’s Auto to “sell me various things” (that she came to possess from god only knows where). Her absence from the shop over the past few months has indicated to Carter that she was out of the area. However, due to this recent sighting of her in Sherman Oaks by “The Mexican,” Carter is convinced she will come down to his shop at some point soon now that she has returned to the neighborhood. She is apparently a known heroin addict and “The Mexican” said that she is very low on cash at the current time. It is for this reason that Carter believes she will stop by his shop soon in order to try to sell him something to make some quick cash. Once Carter is able to talk to “The Black Widow,” Mike’s whereabouts will be discovered, and through him, possibly Clint’s as well.
Carter and I also discussed events surrounding the return of Clint. For example, how will all of this go down? Carter told me that he doesn’t want to take a chance with Clint and he wants to make sure that I am able to talk to him the day that he returns to the shop (Carter says he does not want to take the chance of missing the opportunity were Clint to only come down there one afternoon and then disappear for several months again). It is for this reason that he wants me to come to the shop as soon as Clint shows up there. Carter has devised “code words” that he will call me and say while Clint is sitting at his shop hanging out. The reason for this is that he doesn’t want to “put Clint on the spot” and “make him so nervous that he gets out of there before you arrive.” Therefore, he has decided that Clint should have no clue that it is me he is calling. Carter will call me cell phone and say, “Yes, I have some time to work on your car this afternoon. But you need to bring it down in the next 30 minutes.” Upon receiving this call, I am to fake a migraine and immediately leave work, driving to Van Nuys as fast as humanly possible. Carter will stall Clint at the shop for the next 30 minutes, by discussing possible future lien sales and deals. I will arrive at the shop, where Clint will no doubt be completely shocked and amazed by my presence there. We’ll see where the rest of the afternoon takes us…
Additionally, there are a few other small, but potentially fruitful leads that we continue to follow…
We are hoping to have some more substantial news (or Clint himself)…but the end of the week…
According to Mr. Carter, there is a man, known only as “The Mexican,” who has always been adept at “finding people.” No one knows exactly how he is able to do this…only that he is. This man is, apparently, currently searching for information regarding Mike’s (Clint’s friend's) whereabouts. A lead came in late Friday morning. “The Mexican” spotted “The Black Widow” in Sherman Oaks the day before. “The Black Widow” is a woman who used to (or may currently) be dating Mike. According to Carter, she is “the worst of the worst,” but she would most likely know where Mike (and therefore, Clint) is. Over the past several years, she has periodically come to Carter’s Auto to “sell me various things” (that she came to possess from god only knows where). Her absence from the shop over the past few months has indicated to Carter that she was out of the area. However, due to this recent sighting of her in Sherman Oaks by “The Mexican,” Carter is convinced she will come down to his shop at some point soon now that she has returned to the neighborhood. She is apparently a known heroin addict and “The Mexican” said that she is very low on cash at the current time. It is for this reason that Carter believes she will stop by his shop soon in order to try to sell him something to make some quick cash. Once Carter is able to talk to “The Black Widow,” Mike’s whereabouts will be discovered, and through him, possibly Clint’s as well.
Carter and I also discussed events surrounding the return of Clint. For example, how will all of this go down? Carter told me that he doesn’t want to take a chance with Clint and he wants to make sure that I am able to talk to him the day that he returns to the shop (Carter says he does not want to take the chance of missing the opportunity were Clint to only come down there one afternoon and then disappear for several months again). It is for this reason that he wants me to come to the shop as soon as Clint shows up there. Carter has devised “code words” that he will call me and say while Clint is sitting at his shop hanging out. The reason for this is that he doesn’t want to “put Clint on the spot” and “make him so nervous that he gets out of there before you arrive.” Therefore, he has decided that Clint should have no clue that it is me he is calling. Carter will call me cell phone and say, “Yes, I have some time to work on your car this afternoon. But you need to bring it down in the next 30 minutes.” Upon receiving this call, I am to fake a migraine and immediately leave work, driving to Van Nuys as fast as humanly possible. Carter will stall Clint at the shop for the next 30 minutes, by discussing possible future lien sales and deals. I will arrive at the shop, where Clint will no doubt be completely shocked and amazed by my presence there. We’ll see where the rest of the afternoon takes us…
Additionally, there are a few other small, but potentially fruitful leads that we continue to follow…
We are hoping to have some more substantial news (or Clint himself)…but the end of the week…
SONG 42...
______________________________________________________________________
ONLY YOU
Cut adrift now
On this silent placid sea
I surrender…
To whatever fate has offered me
But the boat is filled with holes
And the water starts to rise
Throw a line out
And bring me back to shore tonight
I am…drowning
I am…underwater
Where no one hears me scream
**CHORUS**
Only you… can kill me with your eyes
Only you…a moment and a smile
Don’t you know…you alone can rectify this?
Cause only you…can kill me with your eyes
All alone now…
I’ve been treading water for countless weeks
All other things fade away…
There’s only one thought that I keep
Keep my head above the water
And my aim fixed and true
My disrepair becomes routine
As my thoughts routinely drift to you
I am…tired
I am…exhausted
Only one thing brings relief
**Chorus**
Oh, listen for my heartbeat
And you will find me on the crest beyond this wave
Oh, remember what you told me
When you were moved by the beauty in that day
Oh, follow me down
Down to the depths…to the bottom of the sea
Oh, follow me down
Follow my pulse…follow where it leads
I am…drowning
I am…underwater
Come drown with me…
**Chorus**
Only you can kill me with your eyes…
______________________________________________________________________
ONLY YOU
Cut adrift now
On this silent placid sea
I surrender…
To whatever fate has offered me
But the boat is filled with holes
And the water starts to rise
Throw a line out
And bring me back to shore tonight
I am…drowning
I am…underwater
Where no one hears me scream
**CHORUS**
Only you… can kill me with your eyes
Only you…a moment and a smile
Don’t you know…you alone can rectify this?
Cause only you…can kill me with your eyes
All alone now…
I’ve been treading water for countless weeks
All other things fade away…
There’s only one thought that I keep
Keep my head above the water
And my aim fixed and true
My disrepair becomes routine
As my thoughts routinely drift to you
I am…tired
I am…exhausted
Only one thing brings relief
**Chorus**
Oh, listen for my heartbeat
And you will find me on the crest beyond this wave
Oh, remember what you told me
When you were moved by the beauty in that day
Oh, follow me down
Down to the depths…to the bottom of the sea
Oh, follow me down
Follow my pulse…follow where it leads
I am…drowning
I am…underwater
Come drown with me…
**Chorus**
Only you can kill me with your eyes…
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
TIME GOES SLOW FOR GARY CARTER
I have come to the conclusion that Mr. Carter has absolutely no perception of time. At least of its length and it’s passing.
He was talking again today about Mike (one of Clint's "running buddies" and probably the person closest to him out here) and how strange it was for him to be gone so long and how he has never been gone this long before and how he has been put away in jail before and Carter’s is usually the first stop he makes when he gets out.
So, in order to test what length of time really meant to him, I asked, “So, when’s the last time you saw Mike?”
And he said, “Nine or ten…maybe eleven months.”
And I said, “Oh, that is a long time. Did he disappear before Clint did?”
And he said, “Well, it was probably around the same time if not a little before or a little after.”
Now, here’s what I’m thinking…there is simply no way that Mike has been gone ten or eleven months…even nine. It has only been ten months since I met Clint…if Mike disappeared ten or eleven months ago…that is sometime last year. In the beginning of November or October. We know several reasons why he cannot have been gone that long:
1) There have been people in and out of the garage up until a few months ago. Granted, these could be other people, but even in April, Carter was talking about how Clint’s best friend had been in (and we know at this point, that has to be Mike).
2) If Mike disappeared in October or November of last year, that was essentially 5 months before Clint disappeared. That is the period of time we know Clint was down at the garage. There is no way that Carter would not have asked Clint where Mike was during that period of time since we know Clint was there.
3) Carter says that Mike disappeared ten or so months ago from the garage but he also says that is around the time that Clint disappeared. We know that Clint only disappeared from the garage less than 6 months ago. That means Mike has only been gone for six months at the most…putting his disappearance around April…if not a little later. Carter has said that Mike has been put away in jail for six months at a time before. So, his being gone six months now should not seem that unusual.
Why this discrepancy? Some people would say it is because Carter is lying…making up the entire thing. I would say the whole thing actually makes perfect sense as long as you take into account that time perception and it’s passing is relative depending on people’s emotions and situations. We all know that time seems to pass more quickly or slowly at times. Sometimes, it speeds by so quickly, a year passes and it feels like you have barely blinked your eyes. This is usually when life has become mundane … ordinary…routine.
However, when life changes…something new happens…the passing of time begins to take on meaning. We only know how much time has passed since I met Clint or since he disappeared from the garage because we know those exact dates and can calculate the exact number of days.
But with Carter, you essentially have this local mechanic who has been sitting down there in the shop for years…nothing changes…everything is always the same. The boys come in and out. They work on deals from time to time like they always do. Sometimes, Mike goes away to jail for several months at a time. Clint goes in and out of town. Sometimes, the boys are down there day in and day out to the point they become a “nuisance” at the shop. Sometimes, they’re gone for awhile because there are no new deals to work on. Then they come back. But during all of this, no one is sitting there calculating these cycles or the time that is passing. It’s all relative…because it’s all routine.
Then something happens…
We show up. Around the time Clint leaves town. And Mike goes to jail. Now, time begins to pass by differently for Carter. Because now he’s waiting for something. For Resolution. For The Return. For the Road to Recovery, as he calls it.
What has only really been a little less than six months, feels like a year to him. To a man who has never really been that aware of the passing of time before.
Like the child waiting for Christmas or the last day of school before summer vacation. We all know it. Eleven months of the year pass by quickly. It’s those last couple of weeks that are a bitch. That just go so excruciatingly slow…as you’re waiting for that thing you want so badly.
Carter’s never noticed time until we showed up and gave him a reason to. Now he labors over the fact that the boys have been gone so long. But they’ve probably been gone for long periods in the past (since we know Mike has been in jail for up to six months at a time before). Maybe not this long…true…but this disappearance may not be all that unusual. It’s just that he’s never noticed it before. He’s never really had a reason to.
He still believes they’re coming back. I do too. At that point, all of these questions we have will finally be answered. I only hope that comes soon.
I have come to the conclusion that Mr. Carter has absolutely no perception of time. At least of its length and it’s passing.
He was talking again today about Mike (one of Clint's "running buddies" and probably the person closest to him out here) and how strange it was for him to be gone so long and how he has never been gone this long before and how he has been put away in jail before and Carter’s is usually the first stop he makes when he gets out.
So, in order to test what length of time really meant to him, I asked, “So, when’s the last time you saw Mike?”
And he said, “Nine or ten…maybe eleven months.”
And I said, “Oh, that is a long time. Did he disappear before Clint did?”
And he said, “Well, it was probably around the same time if not a little before or a little after.”
Now, here’s what I’m thinking…there is simply no way that Mike has been gone ten or eleven months…even nine. It has only been ten months since I met Clint…if Mike disappeared ten or eleven months ago…that is sometime last year. In the beginning of November or October. We know several reasons why he cannot have been gone that long:
1) There have been people in and out of the garage up until a few months ago. Granted, these could be other people, but even in April, Carter was talking about how Clint’s best friend had been in (and we know at this point, that has to be Mike).
2) If Mike disappeared in October or November of last year, that was essentially 5 months before Clint disappeared. That is the period of time we know Clint was down at the garage. There is no way that Carter would not have asked Clint where Mike was during that period of time since we know Clint was there.
3) Carter says that Mike disappeared ten or so months ago from the garage but he also says that is around the time that Clint disappeared. We know that Clint only disappeared from the garage less than 6 months ago. That means Mike has only been gone for six months at the most…putting his disappearance around April…if not a little later. Carter has said that Mike has been put away in jail for six months at a time before. So, his being gone six months now should not seem that unusual.
Why this discrepancy? Some people would say it is because Carter is lying…making up the entire thing. I would say the whole thing actually makes perfect sense as long as you take into account that time perception and it’s passing is relative depending on people’s emotions and situations. We all know that time seems to pass more quickly or slowly at times. Sometimes, it speeds by so quickly, a year passes and it feels like you have barely blinked your eyes. This is usually when life has become mundane … ordinary…routine.
However, when life changes…something new happens…the passing of time begins to take on meaning. We only know how much time has passed since I met Clint or since he disappeared from the garage because we know those exact dates and can calculate the exact number of days.
But with Carter, you essentially have this local mechanic who has been sitting down there in the shop for years…nothing changes…everything is always the same. The boys come in and out. They work on deals from time to time like they always do. Sometimes, Mike goes away to jail for several months at a time. Clint goes in and out of town. Sometimes, the boys are down there day in and day out to the point they become a “nuisance” at the shop. Sometimes, they’re gone for awhile because there are no new deals to work on. Then they come back. But during all of this, no one is sitting there calculating these cycles or the time that is passing. It’s all relative…because it’s all routine.
Then something happens…
We show up. Around the time Clint leaves town. And Mike goes to jail. Now, time begins to pass by differently for Carter. Because now he’s waiting for something. For Resolution. For The Return. For the Road to Recovery, as he calls it.
What has only really been a little less than six months, feels like a year to him. To a man who has never really been that aware of the passing of time before.
Like the child waiting for Christmas or the last day of school before summer vacation. We all know it. Eleven months of the year pass by quickly. It’s those last couple of weeks that are a bitch. That just go so excruciatingly slow…as you’re waiting for that thing you want so badly.
Carter’s never noticed time until we showed up and gave him a reason to. Now he labors over the fact that the boys have been gone so long. But they’ve probably been gone for long periods in the past (since we know Mike has been in jail for up to six months at a time before). Maybe not this long…true…but this disappearance may not be all that unusual. It’s just that he’s never noticed it before. He’s never really had a reason to.
He still believes they’re coming back. I do too. At that point, all of these questions we have will finally be answered. I only hope that comes soon.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
MORE PEOPLE I HAVE MET WHILE HANGING AT CARTER'S AUTO
9) Arty- I mentioned him earlier, but have since learned more about his “situation.” Has an extremely raspy voice. One of the strangest voices I have ever heard. I thought he simply had laryngitis, but I have come to learn that Arty used to have an extremely loud and booming voice until one day when he permanently damaged his voice when he “swallowed some glass.” No one knows why he did this. Even stranger: no one has thought to ask him why.
10) Jerry- A woman. Used to be a man. She is white, but has a black son who is supposedly “a very famous rap artist.” Jerry (who is well over 6 feet tall) is always in the company of a 4’ 8” woman who has a fondness for Tweety Bird. No one knows how they know each other or what they are doing together.
11) One-Nut Jack- No one knows how he came to acquire this name. According to most, he has both of his nuts.
12) Willie- Has a home, but prefers to sleep in a camper parked in the lot next to the garage. This is highly illegal, according to Carter, but Willie insists on crashing there most nights. Carter has even run electricity out to the camper so Willie could have power. Willie works on cars with Carter and has known him for many many years. Has taken a keen interest in me and the Clint story. Told me that he remembers Clint was “very attractive,” but he would be willing to change his own name to Clint if I thought that might help. Also asked me if I wanted “to kill Clint or just do him?”
13) Elvis- 5’1” stocky, slow-witted man. Claims to be an Elvis impersonator, but when asked where he performs, he replied, “In my shower.” Lives in a home he calls, appropriately enough, “Graceland.” According to those who have seen it, it does look somewhat like Graceland but on a much smaller scale. Has been seen around town in full-Elvis attire, but showed up at the garage the day I met him wearing a ripped up T-shirt, shorts, and a fanny pack. Said he would have dressed as Elvis that day, but he hurt his hips and simply had no energy. Did serenade Mr. Carter, Willie, and myself with several Elvis songs while at the shop.
14) Mike- mentioned previously. Cross-dresser. Obsessed with the O.J. Simpson trial. Went to the trial every day while it was going on. Brought three photo albums of pictures to the shop to show me what happened during the trial. Was going to come to my show on Friday night at Kibitz Room (and even bought a brand new dress for the occasion), but got lost on his way and never made it to the show. Allegedly, he is a former meteorologist (though now retired) and he frequently calls up the local weather forcasters to “rip them a new one because they don’t know what the hell is going on with the weather.”
9) Arty- I mentioned him earlier, but have since learned more about his “situation.” Has an extremely raspy voice. One of the strangest voices I have ever heard. I thought he simply had laryngitis, but I have come to learn that Arty used to have an extremely loud and booming voice until one day when he permanently damaged his voice when he “swallowed some glass.” No one knows why he did this. Even stranger: no one has thought to ask him why.
10) Jerry- A woman. Used to be a man. She is white, but has a black son who is supposedly “a very famous rap artist.” Jerry (who is well over 6 feet tall) is always in the company of a 4’ 8” woman who has a fondness for Tweety Bird. No one knows how they know each other or what they are doing together.
11) One-Nut Jack- No one knows how he came to acquire this name. According to most, he has both of his nuts.
12) Willie- Has a home, but prefers to sleep in a camper parked in the lot next to the garage. This is highly illegal, according to Carter, but Willie insists on crashing there most nights. Carter has even run electricity out to the camper so Willie could have power. Willie works on cars with Carter and has known him for many many years. Has taken a keen interest in me and the Clint story. Told me that he remembers Clint was “very attractive,” but he would be willing to change his own name to Clint if I thought that might help. Also asked me if I wanted “to kill Clint or just do him?”
13) Elvis- 5’1” stocky, slow-witted man. Claims to be an Elvis impersonator, but when asked where he performs, he replied, “In my shower.” Lives in a home he calls, appropriately enough, “Graceland.” According to those who have seen it, it does look somewhat like Graceland but on a much smaller scale. Has been seen around town in full-Elvis attire, but showed up at the garage the day I met him wearing a ripped up T-shirt, shorts, and a fanny pack. Said he would have dressed as Elvis that day, but he hurt his hips and simply had no energy. Did serenade Mr. Carter, Willie, and myself with several Elvis songs while at the shop.
14) Mike- mentioned previously. Cross-dresser. Obsessed with the O.J. Simpson trial. Went to the trial every day while it was going on. Brought three photo albums of pictures to the shop to show me what happened during the trial. Was going to come to my show on Friday night at Kibitz Room (and even bought a brand new dress for the occasion), but got lost on his way and never made it to the show. Allegedly, he is a former meteorologist (though now retired) and he frequently calls up the local weather forcasters to “rip them a new one because they don’t know what the hell is going on with the weather.”
SONG 41..."If you write them, he will come."
______________________________________________________________________
10,000 WORDS (HARDER THAN YOU KNOW)
I can’t give you more than what I have
10,000 words is really not that bad
I can’t be a catalyst without a spark
Wish I could…but I don’t see that well in the dark
It goes how it should
It goes exactly how it should
Maybe yesterday we were on the same street
Opposite directions…so how could we meet?
Maybe tomorrow you will ask me for a cigarette
But by then, we may have already met
Who knows?
Cause it goes how it should
Wouldn’t second guess it even if I could
It goes how it must
Time takes no orders from any of us
**CHORUS**
It’s never nothing
It’s always something
The waiting is harder than you know
It’s never easy
That’s what gives it meaning
The waiting is harder than you know
It’s harder than you know
I can’t tell you more than I’ve already said
10,000 words and I will say it all again
I wouldn’t wish this on anybody else
But if you listen closely, you can glimpse my private hell
But it goes how it should
Wouldn’t walk away from this even if I could
It goes how it’s planned
The best that we can hope for is to try and understand
It’s never nothing
It’s always something
The waiting is harder than you know
It’s never easy
That’s what gives it meaning
The waiting is harder than you know
It’s harder than you know
10,000 words is harder…
Harder than you know…
______________________________________________________________________
10,000 WORDS (HARDER THAN YOU KNOW)
I can’t give you more than what I have
10,000 words is really not that bad
I can’t be a catalyst without a spark
Wish I could…but I don’t see that well in the dark
It goes how it should
It goes exactly how it should
Maybe yesterday we were on the same street
Opposite directions…so how could we meet?
Maybe tomorrow you will ask me for a cigarette
But by then, we may have already met
Who knows?
Cause it goes how it should
Wouldn’t second guess it even if I could
It goes how it must
Time takes no orders from any of us
**CHORUS**
It’s never nothing
It’s always something
The waiting is harder than you know
It’s never easy
That’s what gives it meaning
The waiting is harder than you know
It’s harder than you know
I can’t tell you more than I’ve already said
10,000 words and I will say it all again
I wouldn’t wish this on anybody else
But if you listen closely, you can glimpse my private hell
But it goes how it should
Wouldn’t walk away from this even if I could
It goes how it’s planned
The best that we can hope for is to try and understand
It’s never nothing
It’s always something
The waiting is harder than you know
It’s never easy
That’s what gives it meaning
The waiting is harder than you know
It’s harder than you know
10,000 words is harder…
Harder than you know…
Thursday, September 08, 2005
INTERESTING…
If one were to take the entire Gypsy Chronicles (all 40 songs) and listen to it from start to finish, one would hear a total of 10, 771 words (give or take a few) that have been written for Clint the gypsy mechanic up until this point. And certainly, there will be many many more words in the future…
If one were to take the entire Gypsy Chronicles (all 40 songs) and listen to it from start to finish, one would hear a total of 10, 771 words (give or take a few) that have been written for Clint the gypsy mechanic up until this point. And certainly, there will be many many more words in the future…
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
SONG 40...Enough said...
______________________________________________________________________
A MATTER OF TIME
Another Friday night and I am broken
Another Friday night and I could cave right in
But something will not let me release this even though
At times, I think I’d like to let you go
I don’t have an explanation
I don’t have a master plan
I don’t have a reason for this
It’s out of my hands
**CHORUS**
Oh…it’s just a matter of time
Days go slow…it’s just a matter of time
Don’t lose your trust…it’s just a matter of time
Good things will come…it’s just a matter of time
Something in your smile just will not die
Branded on my heart…burned into my mind
Now, I’m painted in the corner of this empty room
No way out except with you
Months ago, I might have left
But too much energy’s been spent
Now, I have no other choice
No alternative
**Chorus**
No use in regret
The damage is done
No use looking back
I’ve already run
My only hope…
That you’ll come back around
I swear I’ll make it worth your while
If you’ll come back around
And hear me out…hear me…
I don’t have an explanation
I don’t have a fighting chance
No control of this situation
Until you come back
**Chorus**
Now, don’t lose your trust
Good things will come
It’s just a matter of time…
______________________________________________________________________
A MATTER OF TIME
Another Friday night and I am broken
Another Friday night and I could cave right in
But something will not let me release this even though
At times, I think I’d like to let you go
I don’t have an explanation
I don’t have a master plan
I don’t have a reason for this
It’s out of my hands
**CHORUS**
Oh…it’s just a matter of time
Days go slow…it’s just a matter of time
Don’t lose your trust…it’s just a matter of time
Good things will come…it’s just a matter of time
Something in your smile just will not die
Branded on my heart…burned into my mind
Now, I’m painted in the corner of this empty room
No way out except with you
Months ago, I might have left
But too much energy’s been spent
Now, I have no other choice
No alternative
**Chorus**
No use in regret
The damage is done
No use looking back
I’ve already run
My only hope…
That you’ll come back around
I swear I’ll make it worth your while
If you’ll come back around
And hear me out…hear me…
I don’t have an explanation
I don’t have a fighting chance
No control of this situation
Until you come back
**Chorus**
Now, don’t lose your trust
Good things will come
It’s just a matter of time…
Thursday, September 01, 2005
MY ANNOUNCEMENT:
Dear friends,
I suppose I must have known all along that Clint would return when just about everybody had stopped believing.
I could not have made this story up even if I tried. It has become so consuming…consuming almost every waking (and dreaming hour of my time). I don’t know why I have been so compelled to find him, but I know that I know him from another life and for whatever reason, whether it was to pay back some karmic debt or whatnot, I had to spend these months alone searching for him…writing 39 songs…so in some way I could prove myself or at least try to in some way rebalance any debt I may owe to him from the past.
It is true that there have been times when I have wondered if maybe Carter was lying to me. But then I think back to how this all began when we first found Carter and I know that is not possible. It wasn’t even Carter who answered the phone that first day. It was Willie who works there from time to time and when Beth asked for Clint (just as she had done 300 times before), instead of having some Mexican who barely speaks English shout “Who?” into the phone, the man on the other end asked, “What would you want to talk to him for?” She was taken aback because she did not expect this. She asked if there was a Clint who worked there and he again said, “Yeah, but what would you want to talk to him for?”
The next day is when I called there and Carter actually answered the phone. He told me that there was a Clint who sometimes came in to fix cars. I made Carter describe him to me. As time has passed, I have gotten more and more descriptions from him, making me truly believe this was the guy we were looking for.
I’ve spent much time with Carter. Hour upon hour down at the garage. I know that he would never be that cruel to lead us on this way. He is doing what he can to try to help us but it is really hard to find people who don’t want to be found. If Clint knew who it was that was searching for him, the story would be much different. Carter assures me that Clint is going to feel really stupid when he finally realizes that it was not the authorities or someone he owed money to looking for him, but me, the wiccan girl he had met on the street and told that she was beautiful. Carter is just a guy who really wants to believe in romantic love and that star-crossed people can find each other again. I think he wants to believe in this because it will help him believe that there is goodness in this life. He thinks of me as kind of a daughter to him and both Rachel and Beth have said that it is kind of eerie to see Carter and I together because we really do seem like we might be related. Perhaps we were in another life.
If anything, people should believe me because of the songs. All 39 of them. Never a day in my life have I written something I didn’t know about. That is just the kind of writer I am. Completely honest in what I write and in my music. I think that is why people have always loved it so much because they feel like I am sharing a piece of myself with them. I could never write 39 songs about a completely imaginary person. Hell, I couldn’t write 39 songs about a five-year relationship I was in. That, to me, proves how special Clint really is.
I assure everyone that Clint is completely real. Everyday, for the last 300 days, I have asked myself, “Why the hell did you walk away from that man?” As I was doing it, I knew that I would see him again. But I thought it would be a matter of weeks. Not ten months. I didn’t realize how long it was going to be and how much it was going to take from me.
I don’t know what I’m going to do when I see him again. I’m terrified of that moment. In Carter’s dream, it is when I am at the shop playing and I have my eyes closed because I often do when I sing. I don’t realize that someone has walked up to the garage. Carter motions for Clint (who looks very confused by all of this) to be quiet. I finish the song and look to Carter, but he is smiling and looking behind me. I turn around, and there he is. That’s when Carter wakes up. Is this really how we meet? I don’t know.
I know that I will be so completely shaken the moment our eyes meet. More shaken than I have ever been in my life. I am so completely terrified of that moment. I don’t know what I’ll say or what he’ll say. But the moment will come, inevitably. The letter is down there and I’m not taking it back. Even if I tried to, Carter would still tell Clint the story when he finally came to the shop again. We will meet again. There is no way to stop that.
Perhaps that day could only come when just about everybody else fell away. And I, alone, with just a few others, were left. My faith will not be shaken. I have come too far to lose that. I believe. Maybe when he returns…one day when you meet him for the first time, you will believe too.
Dear friends,
I suppose I must have known all along that Clint would return when just about everybody had stopped believing.
I could not have made this story up even if I tried. It has become so consuming…consuming almost every waking (and dreaming hour of my time). I don’t know why I have been so compelled to find him, but I know that I know him from another life and for whatever reason, whether it was to pay back some karmic debt or whatnot, I had to spend these months alone searching for him…writing 39 songs…so in some way I could prove myself or at least try to in some way rebalance any debt I may owe to him from the past.
It is true that there have been times when I have wondered if maybe Carter was lying to me. But then I think back to how this all began when we first found Carter and I know that is not possible. It wasn’t even Carter who answered the phone that first day. It was Willie who works there from time to time and when Beth asked for Clint (just as she had done 300 times before), instead of having some Mexican who barely speaks English shout “Who?” into the phone, the man on the other end asked, “What would you want to talk to him for?” She was taken aback because she did not expect this. She asked if there was a Clint who worked there and he again said, “Yeah, but what would you want to talk to him for?”
The next day is when I called there and Carter actually answered the phone. He told me that there was a Clint who sometimes came in to fix cars. I made Carter describe him to me. As time has passed, I have gotten more and more descriptions from him, making me truly believe this was the guy we were looking for.
I’ve spent much time with Carter. Hour upon hour down at the garage. I know that he would never be that cruel to lead us on this way. He is doing what he can to try to help us but it is really hard to find people who don’t want to be found. If Clint knew who it was that was searching for him, the story would be much different. Carter assures me that Clint is going to feel really stupid when he finally realizes that it was not the authorities or someone he owed money to looking for him, but me, the wiccan girl he had met on the street and told that she was beautiful. Carter is just a guy who really wants to believe in romantic love and that star-crossed people can find each other again. I think he wants to believe in this because it will help him believe that there is goodness in this life. He thinks of me as kind of a daughter to him and both Rachel and Beth have said that it is kind of eerie to see Carter and I together because we really do seem like we might be related. Perhaps we were in another life.
If anything, people should believe me because of the songs. All 39 of them. Never a day in my life have I written something I didn’t know about. That is just the kind of writer I am. Completely honest in what I write and in my music. I think that is why people have always loved it so much because they feel like I am sharing a piece of myself with them. I could never write 39 songs about a completely imaginary person. Hell, I couldn’t write 39 songs about a five-year relationship I was in. That, to me, proves how special Clint really is.
I assure everyone that Clint is completely real. Everyday, for the last 300 days, I have asked myself, “Why the hell did you walk away from that man?” As I was doing it, I knew that I would see him again. But I thought it would be a matter of weeks. Not ten months. I didn’t realize how long it was going to be and how much it was going to take from me.
I don’t know what I’m going to do when I see him again. I’m terrified of that moment. In Carter’s dream, it is when I am at the shop playing and I have my eyes closed because I often do when I sing. I don’t realize that someone has walked up to the garage. Carter motions for Clint (who looks very confused by all of this) to be quiet. I finish the song and look to Carter, but he is smiling and looking behind me. I turn around, and there he is. That’s when Carter wakes up. Is this really how we meet? I don’t know.
I know that I will be so completely shaken the moment our eyes meet. More shaken than I have ever been in my life. I am so completely terrified of that moment. I don’t know what I’ll say or what he’ll say. But the moment will come, inevitably. The letter is down there and I’m not taking it back. Even if I tried to, Carter would still tell Clint the story when he finally came to the shop again. We will meet again. There is no way to stop that.
Perhaps that day could only come when just about everybody else fell away. And I, alone, with just a few others, were left. My faith will not be shaken. I have come too far to lose that. I believe. Maybe when he returns…one day when you meet him for the first time, you will believe too.
SONG 39...Because I'm truly at the point of no return...and there's nothing else I can do...
_______________________________________________________________________
POINT OF NO RETURN
I wake up in a nervous haze
10 months pass and I’m going insane
Some days, I’m down and I want to go back
But the train stays on the track
What I can I give you? What can I tell you?
That I’ve not already said?
My words could fill an ocean
Drowning in devotion
I’m drowning in my head
I…I asked for a big crash
You should be careful what you wish
You might get more of a collision than you expect
**CHORUS**
Now, there’s just one route to take to the end
Nonstop ride ‘til I see you again
You come back
Or I go mad
Whichever one comes first
I’m at the point…
Of no return
I’ve died each day since the night we met
Rise each morning just to die again
Sometimes, I cave and I want to retract
But my feet stay in the trap
You got me helpless…incapacitated
Blindfolded and bound
If I use persuasion…charm and natural grace can I
Entice you to come back around?
I…I wanted an earthquake
You should be careful what you ask
You might get more of a jolt than you had planned
**Chorus**
Shoot me now…shoot me now
You better shoot me before I shoot myself
Kill me now…kill me now
Go on and kill me…the gun is in my mouth
I am waiting…anticipating
I’m left with not other choice
I wonder where you’re hiding…and why you are dividing
The distance between us with this void
I…I wanted a car crash
Broken bones and broken glass
I got exactly what I asked
**Chorus**
_______________________________________________________________________
POINT OF NO RETURN
I wake up in a nervous haze
10 months pass and I’m going insane
Some days, I’m down and I want to go back
But the train stays on the track
What I can I give you? What can I tell you?
That I’ve not already said?
My words could fill an ocean
Drowning in devotion
I’m drowning in my head
I…I asked for a big crash
You should be careful what you wish
You might get more of a collision than you expect
**CHORUS**
Now, there’s just one route to take to the end
Nonstop ride ‘til I see you again
You come back
Or I go mad
Whichever one comes first
I’m at the point…
Of no return
I’ve died each day since the night we met
Rise each morning just to die again
Sometimes, I cave and I want to retract
But my feet stay in the trap
You got me helpless…incapacitated
Blindfolded and bound
If I use persuasion…charm and natural grace can I
Entice you to come back around?
I…I wanted an earthquake
You should be careful what you ask
You might get more of a jolt than you had planned
**Chorus**
Shoot me now…shoot me now
You better shoot me before I shoot myself
Kill me now…kill me now
Go on and kill me…the gun is in my mouth
I am waiting…anticipating
I’m left with not other choice
I wonder where you’re hiding…and why you are dividing
The distance between us with this void
I…I wanted a car crash
Broken bones and broken glass
I got exactly what I asked
**Chorus**
