Thursday, September 01, 2005
MY ANNOUNCEMENT:
Dear friends,
I suppose I must have known all along that Clint would return when just about everybody had stopped believing.
I could not have made this story up even if I tried. It has become so consuming…consuming almost every waking (and dreaming hour of my time). I don’t know why I have been so compelled to find him, but I know that I know him from another life and for whatever reason, whether it was to pay back some karmic debt or whatnot, I had to spend these months alone searching for him…writing 39 songs…so in some way I could prove myself or at least try to in some way rebalance any debt I may owe to him from the past.
It is true that there have been times when I have wondered if maybe Carter was lying to me. But then I think back to how this all began when we first found Carter and I know that is not possible. It wasn’t even Carter who answered the phone that first day. It was Willie who works there from time to time and when Beth asked for Clint (just as she had done 300 times before), instead of having some Mexican who barely speaks English shout “Who?” into the phone, the man on the other end asked, “What would you want to talk to him for?” She was taken aback because she did not expect this. She asked if there was a Clint who worked there and he again said, “Yeah, but what would you want to talk to him for?”
The next day is when I called there and Carter actually answered the phone. He told me that there was a Clint who sometimes came in to fix cars. I made Carter describe him to me. As time has passed, I have gotten more and more descriptions from him, making me truly believe this was the guy we were looking for.
I’ve spent much time with Carter. Hour upon hour down at the garage. I know that he would never be that cruel to lead us on this way. He is doing what he can to try to help us but it is really hard to find people who don’t want to be found. If Clint knew who it was that was searching for him, the story would be much different. Carter assures me that Clint is going to feel really stupid when he finally realizes that it was not the authorities or someone he owed money to looking for him, but me, the wiccan girl he had met on the street and told that she was beautiful. Carter is just a guy who really wants to believe in romantic love and that star-crossed people can find each other again. I think he wants to believe in this because it will help him believe that there is goodness in this life. He thinks of me as kind of a daughter to him and both Rachel and Beth have said that it is kind of eerie to see Carter and I together because we really do seem like we might be related. Perhaps we were in another life.
If anything, people should believe me because of the songs. All 39 of them. Never a day in my life have I written something I didn’t know about. That is just the kind of writer I am. Completely honest in what I write and in my music. I think that is why people have always loved it so much because they feel like I am sharing a piece of myself with them. I could never write 39 songs about a completely imaginary person. Hell, I couldn’t write 39 songs about a five-year relationship I was in. That, to me, proves how special Clint really is.
I assure everyone that Clint is completely real. Everyday, for the last 300 days, I have asked myself, “Why the hell did you walk away from that man?” As I was doing it, I knew that I would see him again. But I thought it would be a matter of weeks. Not ten months. I didn’t realize how long it was going to be and how much it was going to take from me.
I don’t know what I’m going to do when I see him again. I’m terrified of that moment. In Carter’s dream, it is when I am at the shop playing and I have my eyes closed because I often do when I sing. I don’t realize that someone has walked up to the garage. Carter motions for Clint (who looks very confused by all of this) to be quiet. I finish the song and look to Carter, but he is smiling and looking behind me. I turn around, and there he is. That’s when Carter wakes up. Is this really how we meet? I don’t know.
I know that I will be so completely shaken the moment our eyes meet. More shaken than I have ever been in my life. I am so completely terrified of that moment. I don’t know what I’ll say or what he’ll say. But the moment will come, inevitably. The letter is down there and I’m not taking it back. Even if I tried to, Carter would still tell Clint the story when he finally came to the shop again. We will meet again. There is no way to stop that.
Perhaps that day could only come when just about everybody else fell away. And I, alone, with just a few others, were left. My faith will not be shaken. I have come too far to lose that. I believe. Maybe when he returns…one day when you meet him for the first time, you will believe too.
Dear friends,
I suppose I must have known all along that Clint would return when just about everybody had stopped believing.
I could not have made this story up even if I tried. It has become so consuming…consuming almost every waking (and dreaming hour of my time). I don’t know why I have been so compelled to find him, but I know that I know him from another life and for whatever reason, whether it was to pay back some karmic debt or whatnot, I had to spend these months alone searching for him…writing 39 songs…so in some way I could prove myself or at least try to in some way rebalance any debt I may owe to him from the past.
It is true that there have been times when I have wondered if maybe Carter was lying to me. But then I think back to how this all began when we first found Carter and I know that is not possible. It wasn’t even Carter who answered the phone that first day. It was Willie who works there from time to time and when Beth asked for Clint (just as she had done 300 times before), instead of having some Mexican who barely speaks English shout “Who?” into the phone, the man on the other end asked, “What would you want to talk to him for?” She was taken aback because she did not expect this. She asked if there was a Clint who worked there and he again said, “Yeah, but what would you want to talk to him for?”
The next day is when I called there and Carter actually answered the phone. He told me that there was a Clint who sometimes came in to fix cars. I made Carter describe him to me. As time has passed, I have gotten more and more descriptions from him, making me truly believe this was the guy we were looking for.
I’ve spent much time with Carter. Hour upon hour down at the garage. I know that he would never be that cruel to lead us on this way. He is doing what he can to try to help us but it is really hard to find people who don’t want to be found. If Clint knew who it was that was searching for him, the story would be much different. Carter assures me that Clint is going to feel really stupid when he finally realizes that it was not the authorities or someone he owed money to looking for him, but me, the wiccan girl he had met on the street and told that she was beautiful. Carter is just a guy who really wants to believe in romantic love and that star-crossed people can find each other again. I think he wants to believe in this because it will help him believe that there is goodness in this life. He thinks of me as kind of a daughter to him and both Rachel and Beth have said that it is kind of eerie to see Carter and I together because we really do seem like we might be related. Perhaps we were in another life.
If anything, people should believe me because of the songs. All 39 of them. Never a day in my life have I written something I didn’t know about. That is just the kind of writer I am. Completely honest in what I write and in my music. I think that is why people have always loved it so much because they feel like I am sharing a piece of myself with them. I could never write 39 songs about a completely imaginary person. Hell, I couldn’t write 39 songs about a five-year relationship I was in. That, to me, proves how special Clint really is.
I assure everyone that Clint is completely real. Everyday, for the last 300 days, I have asked myself, “Why the hell did you walk away from that man?” As I was doing it, I knew that I would see him again. But I thought it would be a matter of weeks. Not ten months. I didn’t realize how long it was going to be and how much it was going to take from me.
I don’t know what I’m going to do when I see him again. I’m terrified of that moment. In Carter’s dream, it is when I am at the shop playing and I have my eyes closed because I often do when I sing. I don’t realize that someone has walked up to the garage. Carter motions for Clint (who looks very confused by all of this) to be quiet. I finish the song and look to Carter, but he is smiling and looking behind me. I turn around, and there he is. That’s when Carter wakes up. Is this really how we meet? I don’t know.
I know that I will be so completely shaken the moment our eyes meet. More shaken than I have ever been in my life. I am so completely terrified of that moment. I don’t know what I’ll say or what he’ll say. But the moment will come, inevitably. The letter is down there and I’m not taking it back. Even if I tried to, Carter would still tell Clint the story when he finally came to the shop again. We will meet again. There is no way to stop that.
Perhaps that day could only come when just about everybody else fell away. And I, alone, with just a few others, were left. My faith will not be shaken. I have come too far to lose that. I believe. Maybe when he returns…one day when you meet him for the first time, you will believe too.
Comments:
Oh Debbie I got teary eyed as I read this post. I know it's been hard and tiring but you can't lose hope. It will happen and when it does it will be beautiful.
Trish, it makes cry to read your comment as well. I thank you so much for your trust and your faith. That some still believe me helps me not collapse in those moments when I feel like I could cave. I cannot wait until you are out here again so you can meet both Mr. Carter and Clint.
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