Thursday, November 03, 2005
CONFESSION
I border between hope and despair. I know that on this night one year ago, I was closer to despair than to hope. Little did I know that less than 48 hours later, I would experience a profound event that would give me back a great deal of my hope and forever change the way I viewed the world.
But, for whatever reason, I would walk away from it…and then spend the next year of my life, again somewhere between hope and despair, trying to get back what I carelessly left behind on that busy street corner.
If this thing is returned to me, I know, without a doubt, that I will not regret a single moment or a single breath I have taken this past year. And I will know that all things happen for a reason.
But that is then and now is now and here I sit in this empty movie theatre alone, awaiting a movie I am told I could have written myself. Because, in some ways, it supposedly parallels my own story.
I have always wished to believe that there is goodness in this life. And so I have always hoped to believe this thing will one day be returned to me and I have not wasted what is promised to be a great opportunity in my life.
But, often, in these last few days, I find myself edging closer and closer to the darkest places I know…where all of my hope is near gone and my life force wanes. Here, I find myself almost completely overcome by despair. And still, somewhere, in the deepest place in my soul…I hope. Because I know that the Laws of Time are not mine to own…or to even know sometimes.
And because I also know that there is a cyclical element to both nature and time. The sun has almost returned to the place it was that fateful night and the seed I planted…at that small auto shop in Van Nuys, CA…a seed of hopeful searching…has been in gestation for 286 days and nights…the appropriate 9 ½ months that some things take from conception to birth.
Though when we parted ways 362 days ago…that man who looked into my eyes and told me that I was beautiful…that man who I know I knew from somewhere though until that night, had never laid eyes on before in this life…though that man may not have understood that we would meet again…somewhere, in my heart, I knew…
But then, somewhere in his soul...consciously or unconsciously…maybe he knew this as well. I hope that someday soon, I will have the opportunity to sit with him and find out.
I don’t know why I have been so compelled to find him again…I only know that I have. And I only know that our conversation was far from finished that night…and there were things still left to say.
And so now, I sit here in this empty movie theatre alone. Because it is either this or go home, overcome by despair, and cry alone in my bedroom until, exhausted, I drift asleep.
I border somewhere between hope and despair. I don’t know which is strongest tonight. Maybe it is despair. Maybe after this movie it will be hope.
Maybe those two forces, which are really only two ends of the same spectrum, will be equal.
The lights dim…and I wish for hope…
I border between hope and despair. I know that on this night one year ago, I was closer to despair than to hope. Little did I know that less than 48 hours later, I would experience a profound event that would give me back a great deal of my hope and forever change the way I viewed the world.
But, for whatever reason, I would walk away from it…and then spend the next year of my life, again somewhere between hope and despair, trying to get back what I carelessly left behind on that busy street corner.
If this thing is returned to me, I know, without a doubt, that I will not regret a single moment or a single breath I have taken this past year. And I will know that all things happen for a reason.
But that is then and now is now and here I sit in this empty movie theatre alone, awaiting a movie I am told I could have written myself. Because, in some ways, it supposedly parallels my own story.
I have always wished to believe that there is goodness in this life. And so I have always hoped to believe this thing will one day be returned to me and I have not wasted what is promised to be a great opportunity in my life.
But, often, in these last few days, I find myself edging closer and closer to the darkest places I know…where all of my hope is near gone and my life force wanes. Here, I find myself almost completely overcome by despair. And still, somewhere, in the deepest place in my soul…I hope. Because I know that the Laws of Time are not mine to own…or to even know sometimes.
And because I also know that there is a cyclical element to both nature and time. The sun has almost returned to the place it was that fateful night and the seed I planted…at that small auto shop in Van Nuys, CA…a seed of hopeful searching…has been in gestation for 286 days and nights…the appropriate 9 ½ months that some things take from conception to birth.
Though when we parted ways 362 days ago…that man who looked into my eyes and told me that I was beautiful…that man who I know I knew from somewhere though until that night, had never laid eyes on before in this life…though that man may not have understood that we would meet again…somewhere, in my heart, I knew…
But then, somewhere in his soul...consciously or unconsciously…maybe he knew this as well. I hope that someday soon, I will have the opportunity to sit with him and find out.
I don’t know why I have been so compelled to find him again…I only know that I have. And I only know that our conversation was far from finished that night…and there were things still left to say.
And so now, I sit here in this empty movie theatre alone. Because it is either this or go home, overcome by despair, and cry alone in my bedroom until, exhausted, I drift asleep.
I border somewhere between hope and despair. I don’t know which is strongest tonight. Maybe it is despair. Maybe after this movie it will be hope.
Maybe those two forces, which are really only two ends of the same spectrum, will be equal.
The lights dim…and I wish for hope…
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