Friday, April 29, 2005
MR. CARTER INSPIRED YET ANOTHER SONG WITH HIS WISE WORDS...
That makes 22...Clint, where are you???
______________________________________________________________________
PATIENT
The wise ones know
That I could learn a lot from time
But I feel so bruised
Sometimes I can barely hold myself up
By wild horses, I am trampled underfoot
In his eyes…I died
To catch a glimpse…a glimmer
Of someplace I knew long ago
And the hope that I’d be part of something big
But I left it on the corner of a crowded city street
I know…the waiting
Is the hardest thing…for me
Waiting…for his returning
If it’s meant to be…it will be
And they say…
You…you just have to be patient
You have to hold on
You have to hold on
Yes, you…you just have to be patient
If you can hold on
This will all be resolved
Time goes slow
When you’re wondering and wishing for the thing you want the most
Sometimes I hide my eyes
And cry in secret
Sometimes his wind blows through my hair just like a ghost
In his smile, I remember
How he held my gaze
Like someone I had always known
In that moment, I would melt into the pavement
But I left him on the corner standing silent and alone
I know…the running
Got me nowhere…but down
Now I’m waiting…for recovering…
What is meant to be
Comes back around
And you...you just have to be patient
You have to hold on
You have to hold on
Yes, you...you just have to be patient
If you can hold on
This will all be resolved
I need to be near him
But first I needed solitude and pain
I needed to be without him
So it would mean that much more to see him again
I know…the waiting
Is almost killing me
Waiting…for his returning
It is meant to be
And so it will be
They say...
You...you just have to be patient
You have to hold on
You have to hold on
Yes, you...you just have to be patient
If you can hold on
This will all be resolved...
That makes 22...Clint, where are you???
______________________________________________________________________
PATIENT
The wise ones know
That I could learn a lot from time
But I feel so bruised
Sometimes I can barely hold myself up
By wild horses, I am trampled underfoot
In his eyes…I died
To catch a glimpse…a glimmer
Of someplace I knew long ago
And the hope that I’d be part of something big
But I left it on the corner of a crowded city street
I know…the waiting
Is the hardest thing…for me
Waiting…for his returning
If it’s meant to be…it will be
And they say…
You…you just have to be patient
You have to hold on
You have to hold on
Yes, you…you just have to be patient
If you can hold on
This will all be resolved
Time goes slow
When you’re wondering and wishing for the thing you want the most
Sometimes I hide my eyes
And cry in secret
Sometimes his wind blows through my hair just like a ghost
In his smile, I remember
How he held my gaze
Like someone I had always known
In that moment, I would melt into the pavement
But I left him on the corner standing silent and alone
I know…the running
Got me nowhere…but down
Now I’m waiting…for recovering…
What is meant to be
Comes back around
And you...you just have to be patient
You have to hold on
You have to hold on
Yes, you...you just have to be patient
If you can hold on
This will all be resolved
I need to be near him
But first I needed solitude and pain
I needed to be without him
So it would mean that much more to see him again
I know…the waiting
Is almost killing me
Waiting…for his returning
It is meant to be
And so it will be
They say...
You...you just have to be patient
You have to hold on
You have to hold on
Yes, you...you just have to be patient
If you can hold on
This will all be resolved...
Thursday, April 28, 2005
AMERICAN IDOL TAPING...
One word...lame...no, make that two words...fucking lame...
We stood in line for almost three hours...not even guarenteed that we would get in to the taping even though we were given tickets...it seems the "tickets" were not really tickets...simply an invitation that you were allowed to come down and stand in the stupid fucking line outside the CBS studios (side note: we did see Bob Barker drive by in his Mercedes)...
Anyway, I was donned in a black T-shirt that said: "Simon Said Pack Your Suitcase" (in reference to the comment that he made to Scott Savol the night before after his abyssmal performance)...Beth's T-shirt read: "Simon is Always Right"
In addition to the T-shirts, we also had signs that said: "Find Clint" and "Where is Clint?"
At some point after the first few hours or so, the line moved closer to the studio entrance. It was at this point that they informed us all of the actual tickets had been given out. Now, they were waiting to see how many of the VIPs were not going to show up and how many of us they needed to be "seat-fillers."
It was at this point that we were ushered through metal detectors and security (even though we were repeatedly warned that this did not mean that we were definitely getting inside the studio). It was at this point that our signs were confiscated. Now, someone needs to explain to me how either of those messages could be offensive in any way...apparently, the signs were deemed "inappropriate" and the signs were put in the trash can. Nice. I am already all set with this.
Finally, we are allowed entry into the studio (which is incredibly small...so much smaller than you would ever guess from the TV show)...we are given seats in the middle near the back. These are then taken from us when more VIPs show up. Fuck. We are moved all the way to the far right-hand side of the studio. It is for this reason and my possibly offensive shirt that we are not shown on TV.
The whole thing was so lame. And staged. There is no way that Constantine actually got the lowest number of votes. I don't care that he was voted off. I disliked him anyway. But come on: Scott Savol had more votes???
I am almost in agreement with Tippy Yunnan's idea that we should start a massive campaign to get everyone to vote for Scott Savol just to spite the show. Because can you imagine that white trash wanna-be ganster pig-faced man as your next American Idol? How ridiculous.
Mostly, I'm just pissed that they confiscated the signs...They are definitely not supportive of the Clint story...
Motherfuckers...
One word...lame...no, make that two words...fucking lame...
We stood in line for almost three hours...not even guarenteed that we would get in to the taping even though we were given tickets...it seems the "tickets" were not really tickets...simply an invitation that you were allowed to come down and stand in the stupid fucking line outside the CBS studios (side note: we did see Bob Barker drive by in his Mercedes)...
Anyway, I was donned in a black T-shirt that said: "Simon Said Pack Your Suitcase" (in reference to the comment that he made to Scott Savol the night before after his abyssmal performance)...Beth's T-shirt read: "Simon is Always Right"
In addition to the T-shirts, we also had signs that said: "Find Clint" and "Where is Clint?"
At some point after the first few hours or so, the line moved closer to the studio entrance. It was at this point that they informed us all of the actual tickets had been given out. Now, they were waiting to see how many of the VIPs were not going to show up and how many of us they needed to be "seat-fillers."
It was at this point that we were ushered through metal detectors and security (even though we were repeatedly warned that this did not mean that we were definitely getting inside the studio). It was at this point that our signs were confiscated. Now, someone needs to explain to me how either of those messages could be offensive in any way...apparently, the signs were deemed "inappropriate" and the signs were put in the trash can. Nice. I am already all set with this.
Finally, we are allowed entry into the studio (which is incredibly small...so much smaller than you would ever guess from the TV show)...we are given seats in the middle near the back. These are then taken from us when more VIPs show up. Fuck. We are moved all the way to the far right-hand side of the studio. It is for this reason and my possibly offensive shirt that we are not shown on TV.
The whole thing was so lame. And staged. There is no way that Constantine actually got the lowest number of votes. I don't care that he was voted off. I disliked him anyway. But come on: Scott Savol had more votes???
I am almost in agreement with Tippy Yunnan's idea that we should start a massive campaign to get everyone to vote for Scott Savol just to spite the show. Because can you imagine that white trash wanna-be ganster pig-faced man as your next American Idol? How ridiculous.
Mostly, I'm just pissed that they confiscated the signs...They are definitely not supportive of the Clint story...
Motherfuckers...
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
IDOL TONIGHT...
Everyone...
Watch American Idol tonight as Beth and I will be in the audience. We will be holding up various signs that say "Find Clint;" "Where is Clint?" etc.
I will be wearing a black cowboy hat and a T-shirt that says: "Simon Says Pack Your Bags." Beth will be wearing a T-shirt that says: "Simon is Always Right."
It should be good. We hope Seacrest will come up and talk to us about the Clint signs. Then bam! we're on national T.V. with our cause...
Sincerely
Deborah Little (aka Deadly Nightshade)
www.findaclint.gov
Everyone...
Watch American Idol tonight as Beth and I will be in the audience. We will be holding up various signs that say "Find Clint;" "Where is Clint?" etc.
I will be wearing a black cowboy hat and a T-shirt that says: "Simon Says Pack Your Bags." Beth will be wearing a T-shirt that says: "Simon is Always Right."
It should be good. We hope Seacrest will come up and talk to us about the Clint signs. Then bam! we're on national T.V. with our cause...
Sincerely
Deborah Little (aka Deadly Nightshade)
www.findaclint.gov
Monday, April 25, 2005
TARA LEIGH IS STILL EMAILING ME AND IS STILL QUITE CRAZY...
I received the following message from Tara Leigh this afternoon. I am not sure what it is supposed to even mean. Any ideas?
____________________________________________________________________
TITLE: Energy
I haven't played a role game or stratagy video series. Hello
I found heart in quite still breath and in a balancing act to exhaust over my tongue . A cool yoga teacher two weeks ago. Debi I belly flopped a few times . Cut a few dinner salads from the esspresso bar. I got a few veagan burritos from the cafe on breaks fror the training. Saw a guy play the unurban three fridays ago. He was playing a song about broken hearts. Ajigword jumble song.
Tara Leigh. I made a woman poem inside a wrap around body. When I first peirced my ears ten years ago I thought playing with them would keep me from patting ,my hips and but in public. So as I take an order I tyr not folding my hands in my back pocket or wave around .Its Monday aprils ending did you feel the moon this week.
____________________________________________________________________
I received the following message from Tara Leigh this afternoon. I am not sure what it is supposed to even mean. Any ideas?
____________________________________________________________________
TITLE: Energy
I haven't played a role game or stratagy video series. Hello
I found heart in quite still breath and in a balancing act to exhaust over my tongue . A cool yoga teacher two weeks ago. Debi I belly flopped a few times . Cut a few dinner salads from the esspresso bar. I got a few veagan burritos from the cafe on breaks fror the training. Saw a guy play the unurban three fridays ago. He was playing a song about broken hearts. Ajigword jumble song.
Tara Leigh. I made a woman poem inside a wrap around body. When I first peirced my ears ten years ago I thought playing with them would keep me from patting ,my hips and but in public. So as I take an order I tyr not folding my hands in my back pocket or wave around .Its Monday aprils ending did you feel the moon this week.
____________________________________________________________________
Thursday, April 21, 2005
VICTOR HUGO'S HOUSE
I have an extremely dangerous friend. If one is a coke addict, it is very dangerous to have a friend who is a coke dealer. If one likes to shoot up heroin, it is extremely dangerous to have a friend who can supply you with some. In fact, for any addict, it is dangerous to make friends with the dealer.
Victor Hugo is a tattoo artist. He just loves to tattoo just for the art...just for the hell of it...just because he loves it. He doesn't really want money. He only wants the price of the ink. Which is miniscule. He says that in parlors, they overcharge. He won't do that. Victor is also my friend. And willing to tattoo me whenever, wherever I want. For the price of ink. Of course I try to tip him extremely well. He won't take my money. I got a tatoo put on my thigh that would have easily cost $200-$300 at a parlor. Victor charged me $30. I gave him $60. He was pissed at me. He said it was too much.
Everyone needs a friend like Victor Hugo. But for me, he is a dangerous man...
I have an extremely dangerous friend. If one is a coke addict, it is very dangerous to have a friend who is a coke dealer. If one likes to shoot up heroin, it is extremely dangerous to have a friend who can supply you with some. In fact, for any addict, it is dangerous to make friends with the dealer.
Victor Hugo is a tattoo artist. He just loves to tattoo just for the art...just for the hell of it...just because he loves it. He doesn't really want money. He only wants the price of the ink. Which is miniscule. He says that in parlors, they overcharge. He won't do that. Victor is also my friend. And willing to tattoo me whenever, wherever I want. For the price of ink. Of course I try to tip him extremely well. He won't take my money. I got a tatoo put on my thigh that would have easily cost $200-$300 at a parlor. Victor charged me $30. I gave him $60. He was pissed at me. He said it was too much.
Everyone needs a friend like Victor Hugo. But for me, he is a dangerous man...
BECAUSE I WANTED TO IMMORTALIZE THE WORDS OF MR. CARTER...
Seriously, everyone seems to love his latest quote: "I'll find that Clint if it's the last thing I do." So, again (like in the Road to Recovery), I put his words to song. When we finally find Clint, I'm going to take a bottle of champagne down to Carter's and play it for him...
IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO
Give it away
What can I say?
There’s bound to be something there
I’ve got nothing to hide
I am on fire
It’s a force to be reckoned with
I step off the edge and fall
I expect you will recall
You said somewhere someday we’d meet again
There’s bound to be something there
Two plus two makes four I think
And four makes everything complete
It’s not long before I see you again
I know this…
CHORUS
If it’s the last thing I do…
If it’s the last thing that I do…
I’ll hunt you down
I’ll find you
I will not stop
I’ll find you
If it’s the last thing I do…
Cutting your loss
Never pays off
There’s bound to be some regret
I’ve got nothing to lose
Until I have you
It’s all I can focus on
I stepped into the unknown
Turned and fled when you got too close
You said, “You look so beautiful this night”
I regret that I ran away
Five plus five make ten you see
And ten will seal our destiny
I could just accept defeat
But I believe we shall meet again
CHORUS
If it's the last thing I do
If it's the last thing that I do
I'll hunt you down
I'll find you
I will not stop
I'll find you
If it's the last thing I do...
Another try
Is all that I can hope for
Searched high and wide
For the place you disappeared to
I don’t know why
I didn’t recognize you the first time
I don’t know why…I don’t know why…
Three plus three makes six it’s true
Return to where I first met you
I am in your hot pursuit
Our paths must cross again…
CHORUS
If it's the last thing I do
If it's the last thing that I do
I'll hunt you down
I'll find you
I will not stop
I'll find you
If it's the last thing I do...
Seriously, everyone seems to love his latest quote: "I'll find that Clint if it's the last thing I do." So, again (like in the Road to Recovery), I put his words to song. When we finally find Clint, I'm going to take a bottle of champagne down to Carter's and play it for him...
IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO
Give it away
What can I say?
There’s bound to be something there
I’ve got nothing to hide
I am on fire
It’s a force to be reckoned with
I step off the edge and fall
I expect you will recall
You said somewhere someday we’d meet again
There’s bound to be something there
Two plus two makes four I think
And four makes everything complete
It’s not long before I see you again
I know this…
CHORUS
If it’s the last thing I do…
If it’s the last thing that I do…
I’ll hunt you down
I’ll find you
I will not stop
I’ll find you
If it’s the last thing I do…
Cutting your loss
Never pays off
There’s bound to be some regret
I’ve got nothing to lose
Until I have you
It’s all I can focus on
I stepped into the unknown
Turned and fled when you got too close
You said, “You look so beautiful this night”
I regret that I ran away
Five plus five make ten you see
And ten will seal our destiny
I could just accept defeat
But I believe we shall meet again
CHORUS
If it's the last thing I do
If it's the last thing that I do
I'll hunt you down
I'll find you
I will not stop
I'll find you
If it's the last thing I do...
Another try
Is all that I can hope for
Searched high and wide
For the place you disappeared to
I don’t know why
I didn’t recognize you the first time
I don’t know why…I don’t know why…
Three plus three makes six it’s true
Return to where I first met you
I am in your hot pursuit
Our paths must cross again…
CHORUS
If it's the last thing I do
If it's the last thing that I do
I'll hunt you down
I'll find you
I will not stop
I'll find you
If it's the last thing I do...
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
EVERYTHING BEN MARTIN SAYS IS A LIE...
To all of you who know me:
You can imagine my surprise, when I got to work this morning and I had dozens of emails and messages on MySpace and Friendster.
It has come to my attention that Ben Martin has sent messages to countless people on my friend list, on the friend lists of many of my friends, as well as the Berklee message board on Myspace. I don’t fully understand what his issue is with me, but now I feel I have to explain myself to clear up any lies people now may or may not believe about me.
The allegations that seem to have been made against me are that I “left Jay at the alter.” This is a flat-out lie. I met Jay while I was at Berklee. He went there for a few years and we had some classes together. Then I ran back into him after Matt and I broke up. Jay and I were together on and off for several months. He did want to get married when we were in Vegas for the American Idol auditions in September, but that was way too soon and way too crazy for me. I told him “no” and left Vegas with some friends. We were together for a couple of months after that. I really did care about him, but I finally couldn’t handle him anymore and broke up with him. It’s right around that time that I met Clint. I assume that Clint is the “mechanic” Ben is referring to that I supposedly cheated on Jay with. But you can’t cheat on someone you’re not together with, and I haven’t seen Clint in months. I’ve been trying to find him again.
All of the trouble started when Ben found out I was on MySpace. That is apparently when he started messaging my friends and anyone who might know me trying to get information. As far as I know, Ben never went to Berklee. He used to hang out there because all of his friends did. Both he and Jay are really messed up on drugs most of the time, and that is why I prefer to stay away from them. And I want no contact with them whatsoever. I don’t know why they have this insane need to find me and I don’t know why they are harassing all of my friends (as well as people who only know me by association) and spreading rumors and lies about me.
Many people who got the messages probably don’t even care. A lot of you I probably haven’t even spoken to in years. But for those of you who do care, I just felt I should be able to clear my name. I do know that Ben went through the friend lists of some of my friends and sent messages to people that were not even on my list. If you know of anyone who got a message who is asking questions and wondering about it, please let them know these are all lies. And I apologize for the riff-raff I keep company with from time to time.
Hope this message finds all well
Blessed Be
Debbie Little
To all of you who know me:
You can imagine my surprise, when I got to work this morning and I had dozens of emails and messages on MySpace and Friendster.
It has come to my attention that Ben Martin has sent messages to countless people on my friend list, on the friend lists of many of my friends, as well as the Berklee message board on Myspace. I don’t fully understand what his issue is with me, but now I feel I have to explain myself to clear up any lies people now may or may not believe about me.
The allegations that seem to have been made against me are that I “left Jay at the alter.” This is a flat-out lie. I met Jay while I was at Berklee. He went there for a few years and we had some classes together. Then I ran back into him after Matt and I broke up. Jay and I were together on and off for several months. He did want to get married when we were in Vegas for the American Idol auditions in September, but that was way too soon and way too crazy for me. I told him “no” and left Vegas with some friends. We were together for a couple of months after that. I really did care about him, but I finally couldn’t handle him anymore and broke up with him. It’s right around that time that I met Clint. I assume that Clint is the “mechanic” Ben is referring to that I supposedly cheated on Jay with. But you can’t cheat on someone you’re not together with, and I haven’t seen Clint in months. I’ve been trying to find him again.
All of the trouble started when Ben found out I was on MySpace. That is apparently when he started messaging my friends and anyone who might know me trying to get information. As far as I know, Ben never went to Berklee. He used to hang out there because all of his friends did. Both he and Jay are really messed up on drugs most of the time, and that is why I prefer to stay away from them. And I want no contact with them whatsoever. I don’t know why they have this insane need to find me and I don’t know why they are harassing all of my friends (as well as people who only know me by association) and spreading rumors and lies about me.
Many people who got the messages probably don’t even care. A lot of you I probably haven’t even spoken to in years. But for those of you who do care, I just felt I should be able to clear my name. I do know that Ben went through the friend lists of some of my friends and sent messages to people that were not even on my list. If you know of anyone who got a message who is asking questions and wondering about it, please let them know these are all lies. And I apologize for the riff-raff I keep company with from time to time.
Hope this message finds all well
Blessed Be
Debbie Little
Monday, April 18, 2005
GARY CARTER'S BEST QUOTE YET:
"I will hunt down Clint if it is the last thing I do..."
"I will hunt down Clint if it is the last thing I do..."
THIS IS THE 20th SONG...may it be the song of rebalanced Karma...
WHAT WILL YOU SAY?
I wake up in the morning
I wonder if it’s today
My letter’s waiting
You only have to read what’s on the page
My blindness…
At what you will do
I’m waiting on you…
You wake up in the morning
It’s an ordinary day
Go to work unassuming
And unafraid
Your blindness…
Makes you pure
Your blindness
Makes me want you more
And I will wait
Patiently
For you to return
Chorus
And in that moment…when you read my words
It knocks the wind right out of you
In that moment…when you realize
That I searched for only you
What will you be thinking
On that day?
Will everything change?
What will you say?
What will you say?
So many people
They all pale in comparison to you
You’re all-consuming
Everything revolving around you
I follow…
The only path I know
You follow…
The path that leads you home
I believe
That we shall be
Intertwined
Chorus
And in that moment...when you read my words
It knocks the wind right out of you
In that momemnt...when you realize
That I searched for only you
What will you be thinking
On that day?
Will everything change?
What will you say?
What will you say?
I need…I need…I need an answer
I bleed…I freeze…waiting for your answer
I cannot forget…the night that we met…I’ll be affected forever
I have no choice…I have no voice…the ties that connect us I can’t sever
It’s your blindness…
That makes me ache
It’s your beauty…
That will not fade
Chorus
And in that moment...when you realize
It knocks the wind right out of you
In that moment...when you realize
That I searched for only you
What will you be thinking
On that day?
Will everything change?
What will you say?
What will you say?
WHAT WILL YOU SAY?
I wake up in the morning
I wonder if it’s today
My letter’s waiting
You only have to read what’s on the page
My blindness…
At what you will do
I’m waiting on you…
You wake up in the morning
It’s an ordinary day
Go to work unassuming
And unafraid
Your blindness…
Makes you pure
Your blindness
Makes me want you more
And I will wait
Patiently
For you to return
Chorus
And in that moment…when you read my words
It knocks the wind right out of you
In that moment…when you realize
That I searched for only you
What will you be thinking
On that day?
Will everything change?
What will you say?
What will you say?
So many people
They all pale in comparison to you
You’re all-consuming
Everything revolving around you
I follow…
The only path I know
You follow…
The path that leads you home
I believe
That we shall be
Intertwined
Chorus
And in that moment...when you read my words
It knocks the wind right out of you
In that momemnt...when you realize
That I searched for only you
What will you be thinking
On that day?
Will everything change?
What will you say?
What will you say?
I need…I need…I need an answer
I bleed…I freeze…waiting for your answer
I cannot forget…the night that we met…I’ll be affected forever
I have no choice…I have no voice…the ties that connect us I can’t sever
It’s your blindness…
That makes me ache
It’s your beauty…
That will not fade
Chorus
And in that moment...when you realize
It knocks the wind right out of you
In that moment...when you realize
That I searched for only you
What will you be thinking
On that day?
Will everything change?
What will you say?
What will you say?
Saturday, April 16, 2005
CHAMPAGNE'S CHILLIN'
Friday, April 15, 2005
UNTIL I HEAR OTHERWISE
It’s been a long time
And it’s true I wonder what this waiting’s for
But I won’t waste my time listening
To the “nay-sayers” anymore
I got a one-track mind
And it’s true there can only be one course
They can think what they want
But I won’t take that advice anymore
If it were up to me
I’d seclude myself from the negativity
Cause it’s a fine line
Between your friends and your enemies
CHORUS
And it’s true…
Until I hear it from you
There’s no reason to give in…
Let go…give up the fight
Until I hear otherwise
From you
It’s been a long time
But we’ve narrowed in on our goal
It won’t be long now
Before the payoff unfolds
If I were easily swayed
I’d abandon the search and lay down today
But it’s a fine line
Between foolishness and faith
CHORUS
And it's true...
Until I hear it from you
There's no reason to give in...
Let go...give up the fight
Until I hear otherwise
From you...
And they can say
That they’re on my side
But I know when it’s fake
They can say
That they’re on my side
But they give it away
When they tell me I better keep my options open
To stay on the safe side
But there is no safe side…there is no safe side...
Anymore
It’s been a long time
But that’s no reason to hesitate
I got a single focus
And I will not deviate
If it were up to me
I’d shut out all the hypocrisy
But I can’t expect them all
To believe what I believe
CHORUS
And it's true...
Until I hear it from you
There's no reason to give in...
Let go...give up the fight
Until I hear otherwise
From you
It’s been a long time
And it’s true I wonder what this waiting’s for
But I won’t waste my time listening
To the “nay-sayers” anymore
I got a one-track mind
And it’s true there can only be one course
They can think what they want
But I won’t take that advice anymore
If it were up to me
I’d seclude myself from the negativity
Cause it’s a fine line
Between your friends and your enemies
CHORUS
And it’s true…
Until I hear it from you
There’s no reason to give in…
Let go…give up the fight
Until I hear otherwise
From you
It’s been a long time
But we’ve narrowed in on our goal
It won’t be long now
Before the payoff unfolds
If I were easily swayed
I’d abandon the search and lay down today
But it’s a fine line
Between foolishness and faith
CHORUS
And it's true...
Until I hear it from you
There's no reason to give in...
Let go...give up the fight
Until I hear otherwise
From you...
And they can say
That they’re on my side
But I know when it’s fake
They can say
That they’re on my side
But they give it away
When they tell me I better keep my options open
To stay on the safe side
But there is no safe side…there is no safe side...
Anymore
It’s been a long time
But that’s no reason to hesitate
I got a single focus
And I will not deviate
If it were up to me
I’d shut out all the hypocrisy
But I can’t expect them all
To believe what I believe
CHORUS
And it's true...
Until I hear it from you
There's no reason to give in...
Let go...give up the fight
Until I hear otherwise
From you
Thursday, April 14, 2005
18?
Well, I guess here's one more...
I HOPE (I WILL SEE HIM TODAY)
He's got no idea
That I've waited all this time
For him to come around
He's got no idea
He thought he hid himself away
But I believe he's been found
He's been found
He's got this casual way
And I really don't know
Why he got me so good
An unforgettable face
I tried to forget
But I really don't think I could...
Maybe someday he will listen
Someday he will hear me out
Maybe someday he will listen
Someday he will listen
AND I HOPE...
I HOPE...FOR A CHANGE
I HOPE...I WILL SEE HIM
I WILL SEE HIM TODAY...
He's not the kind of guy
Who's used to being the center
Of extraordinary things
But he's the kind of guy
I would chase around
Just to know what he thinks...
Maybe someday he will see me
Someday he will see me and smile
Maybe someday he will see me
Someday he will see me
AND I HOPE...
I HOPE...FOR A CHANGE
I HOPE...I WILL SEE HIM
I WILL SEE HIM TODAY...
He's got no idea
When he wakes in the morning
What's about to happen to him
Unexpected joy
To realize someone
Went to such great lengths for him...
Maybe someday he will hold me
Someday he will let me in
Maybe someday he will hold me
Someday he will hold me
AND I HOPE...
I HOPE...FOR A CHANGE
I HOPE...I WILL SEE HIM
I WILL SEE HIM TODAY...
I only hope I will see him...
I only hope I will see him...
I only hope I will see him...
Today....
Well, I guess here's one more...
I HOPE (I WILL SEE HIM TODAY)
He's got no idea
That I've waited all this time
For him to come around
He's got no idea
He thought he hid himself away
But I believe he's been found
He's been found
He's got this casual way
And I really don't know
Why he got me so good
An unforgettable face
I tried to forget
But I really don't think I could...
Maybe someday he will listen
Someday he will hear me out
Maybe someday he will listen
Someday he will listen
AND I HOPE...
I HOPE...FOR A CHANGE
I HOPE...I WILL SEE HIM
I WILL SEE HIM TODAY...
He's not the kind of guy
Who's used to being the center
Of extraordinary things
But he's the kind of guy
I would chase around
Just to know what he thinks...
Maybe someday he will see me
Someday he will see me and smile
Maybe someday he will see me
Someday he will see me
AND I HOPE...
I HOPE...FOR A CHANGE
I HOPE...I WILL SEE HIM
I WILL SEE HIM TODAY...
He's got no idea
When he wakes in the morning
What's about to happen to him
Unexpected joy
To realize someone
Went to such great lengths for him...
Maybe someday he will hold me
Someday he will let me in
Maybe someday he will hold me
Someday he will hold me
AND I HOPE...
I HOPE...FOR A CHANGE
I HOPE...I WILL SEE HIM
I WILL SEE HIM TODAY...
I only hope I will see him...
I only hope I will see him...
I only hope I will see him...
Today....
Sunday, April 10, 2005
17
Dedicated to Clint, the Romany Wicca mechanic from Tennessee. May we meet again soon.
These songs were written between 11/08/04 and 4/07/05. 17songs. 17 is the number of the tarot Star card, the number of hope. Blind unwavering hope. May these 17 songs help in some way help rebalance whatever karmic debt I may owe.
THE ONLY THING LEFT
Synchronicity...it's synchronicity
You slam right into me
And we collide
Always in the right place
At the wrong time
I retreat...I resist...I resign
Now, I...I have to explain myself
I have to show you that I'm for real
AND IT'S THE ONLY THING LEFT
BUT IT'S THE HARDEST THING
THE ONLY THING LEFT I CAN DO
IS PROVE MYSELF TO YOU...
Possibilities...endless possibilities
The possibilities
Make my stomach sick
You could be receptive
Or you could close your heart
I am at your mercy and in your debt
How...how can I stress this enough?
How can I urge you enough that I am real?
ANDTHE ONLY THING LEFT
IS THE HARDEST THING
BUT IT'S THE ONLY THING LEFT I CAN DO
TO PROVE MYSELF TO YOU...
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you're far
And if you can hear my call
I give everything I have
Everything I can
I give you it all....
Electricity...electricity
You were right in front of me
And I bough out
Can I get another change?
Could I have another try?
Can I make it up to you somehow?
And I...I would do everything
I would do anything to convince you I'm for real
AND THE ONLY THING LEFT
IS THE HARDEST THING
BUT IT'S THE ONLY THING LEFT I CAN DO
TO PROVE MYSELF TO YOU...
Dedicated to Clint, the Romany Wicca mechanic from Tennessee. May we meet again soon.
These songs were written between 11/08/04 and 4/07/05. 17songs. 17 is the number of the tarot Star card, the number of hope. Blind unwavering hope. May these 17 songs help in some way help rebalance whatever karmic debt I may owe.
THE ONLY THING LEFT
Synchronicity...it's synchronicity
You slam right into me
And we collide
Always in the right place
At the wrong time
I retreat...I resist...I resign
Now, I...I have to explain myself
I have to show you that I'm for real
AND IT'S THE ONLY THING LEFT
BUT IT'S THE HARDEST THING
THE ONLY THING LEFT I CAN DO
IS PROVE MYSELF TO YOU...
Possibilities...endless possibilities
The possibilities
Make my stomach sick
You could be receptive
Or you could close your heart
I am at your mercy and in your debt
How...how can I stress this enough?
How can I urge you enough that I am real?
ANDTHE ONLY THING LEFT
IS THE HARDEST THING
BUT IT'S THE ONLY THING LEFT I CAN DO
TO PROVE MYSELF TO YOU...
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you're far
And if you can hear my call
I give everything I have
Everything I can
I give you it all....
Electricity...electricity
You were right in front of me
And I bough out
Can I get another change?
Could I have another try?
Can I make it up to you somehow?
And I...I would do everything
I would do anything to convince you I'm for real
AND THE ONLY THING LEFT
IS THE HARDEST THING
BUT IT'S THE ONLY THING LEFT I CAN DO
TO PROVE MYSELF TO YOU...
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
ALL FOR YOU
**This is song #16...may the next one be about the meeting**
Separate the truth from the lies
I shut out what they say
I am sightless in this moment
And I do not know what's right
Blind hope saves me
It is true
I am scared out of my mind
But I press on
Some things are worth their price
AND IT WAS ALL FOR YOU
IT WAS ALWAYS FOR YOU
THOUGH YOU'RE FAR AWAY, UNAWARE
AND BLIND TO WHAT I DO...
IT WAS ALL FOR YOU
I recognize when the moment finally comes
I'll be alone and no one can protect me
It is true...no one can live your life for you
And these trials that we face
Give us the very strength we need
It was you
You were always on my mind
In the darkness of the night
No moon, no stars, no light...
BUT IT WAS ALL FOR YOU
IT WAS ALWAYS FOR YOU
THOUGH YOU'RE FAR AWAY, UNAWARE
AND BLIND TO WHAT I DO...
IT WAS ALL FOR YOU
You lift me up...and I am groundless
You struck a nerve in a place I couldn't see
For every action, there's a consequence
And now I must repay you
For what you've given me
It's a lonely road we travel
And I do not know the way
But I won't falter from my course
Fire fed by air
Doubt destroyed by faith
There is nothing I want more
And it's true
There can be no other end
Only you
Reunited with an old friend
AND IT WAS ALL FOR YOU
IT WAS ALWAYS FOR YOU
THOUGH YOU'RE FAR AWAY, UNAWARE
AND BLIND TO WHAT I DO...
IT WAS ALL FOR YOU
**This is song #16...may the next one be about the meeting**
Separate the truth from the lies
I shut out what they say
I am sightless in this moment
And I do not know what's right
Blind hope saves me
It is true
I am scared out of my mind
But I press on
Some things are worth their price
AND IT WAS ALL FOR YOU
IT WAS ALWAYS FOR YOU
THOUGH YOU'RE FAR AWAY, UNAWARE
AND BLIND TO WHAT I DO...
IT WAS ALL FOR YOU
I recognize when the moment finally comes
I'll be alone and no one can protect me
It is true...no one can live your life for you
And these trials that we face
Give us the very strength we need
It was you
You were always on my mind
In the darkness of the night
No moon, no stars, no light...
BUT IT WAS ALL FOR YOU
IT WAS ALWAYS FOR YOU
THOUGH YOU'RE FAR AWAY, UNAWARE
AND BLIND TO WHAT I DO...
IT WAS ALL FOR YOU
You lift me up...and I am groundless
You struck a nerve in a place I couldn't see
For every action, there's a consequence
And now I must repay you
For what you've given me
It's a lonely road we travel
And I do not know the way
But I won't falter from my course
Fire fed by air
Doubt destroyed by faith
There is nothing I want more
And it's true
There can be no other end
Only you
Reunited with an old friend
AND IT WAS ALL FOR YOU
IT WAS ALWAYS FOR YOU
THOUGH YOU'RE FAR AWAY, UNAWARE
AND BLIND TO WHAT I DO...
IT WAS ALL FOR YOU
Monday, April 04, 2005
STEVE CROWLEY, SHANE CURRY, CLINT THE COWBOY AND MY PREDICAMENT...
To dream is a dangerous thing...
I suppose I should go back ten years. Most of my remaining friends have never heard the full story of Steve Crowley and who he was and why he was important. In order to fully understand the events of this past weekend, you would need to know a little bit about Steve Crowley.
I first dreamed of Steve the winter that I was 16. There was a series of dreams that involved him. In one particular dream, I was walking down this long tree-lined residential street. There was someone with me, some kind of spirit guide. I was very upset, and my guide told me, "Don't worry Steve Crowley is real. This is where he lives." At that moment, I looked up and I saw a street sign. It said Stanley Ct. We walked on a few blocks or so and came to a single story house. A man was outside mowing the lawn. My guide told me, "This is where Steve lives. Now you know."
I woke up from this very vivid dream and I knew that it was set in Evansville, Indiana, a large city at the very bottom of the state. I had never been there before. I could have just blown this off...chalked it up to just some crazy dream. But there was something about it that I couldn't shake off. That afternoon, Beth and I drove down to the public library in Merrillville, Indiana and found a phone book for Evansville. We looked up Steve Crowley. There was no Steve Crowley, but there was an S. Crowley. But this person lived at 419 S. Harlan Ave. And we were looking for Stanley Court. My hopes fell, but Beth suggested that we look at a map of Evansville. I flipped to the front of the phone book, looked up S. Harlan Ave, and to my shock and surprise, I found that Stanley Ct. and S. Harlan Ave did, indeed, intersect. And when I thought back to the dream, when I looked up at the sign, it was for the cross street of the actual street we were walking on. If we were walking down S. Harlan Ave, we would cross Stanley Ct.
So, now what am I supposed to do with this? There was a series of other signs and signals that we received regarding this. I won't go into all of those now, but the point is this was a very major event in my life.
A few years later, we were still talking about this. One weekend I was down in Bloomington visiting Beth at IU. Saturday morning, we woke up and decided to drive down to Evansville. What the hell? Let's go drive down this street and see what it looks like. We did. And it looked almost exactly like it did in my dream. We decided to go back around the block and come down , S. Harlan again. I go to make a turn. We hear screeching tires and a car slams into the back of ours. Our car is spun around 180 degrees. No one was hurt that day, but we took it as a sign that we were not supposed to be there at that moment. And we left. We thought about Steve Crowley many more times after that. I kept thinking I'd meet him somewhere. At Purdue where I went to school for two years. Anywhere. Then I moved to Boston. I thought maybe he would be out there, but I never found him. Then I started dating Matt Walburn. I didn't completely forget about Steve, but I came to think of him as this idealized man. And anyone who didn't live up to this ideal, was simply no Steve Crowley. And I was searching for Steve Crowley. When Matt and I broke up and I decided to move out to L.A., I thought maybe I would find Steve out here. Either the ideal or maybe there was someone who actually had that name.
Then I met Clint. He knocked me right off of my feet. And he did have the physical description of Steve Crowley. We do believe that we've found Clint; he just hasn't gone into work in awhile and, therefore, hasn't gotten the letter that Beth gave his boss. It could happen any day. Maybe he is Steve Crowley. I'd like to think so.
But then there is also this...
I woke up on Saturday morning with nothing to do. Beth was out of town. I talked to Cutter for awhile on the phone. He said that it was raining in Boston. I told him it was sunny in L.A. Maybe I should go out and enjoy the day. In fact, maybe I should go drive around the streets of Van Nuys and North Hollywood for awhile. Just in case I should happen to run into Clint.
So, I decided to go down to The Black Broom (formally Raven's Flight), the pagan bookstore that Clint had told me about the night we met. I thought, "What if he's down there buying herbs or supplies or something? Who knows?" So, I drive down there and there is no parking on Vineland Ave (the street the store is on). I drive a few blocks down searching for parking and then turn down this little side street (S. Harsook Ave). I intend to go around the block and come back down Vineland, but about halfway down this street, I find a parking spot. This is a long tree-lined residential street. As I'm getting out of the car, I notice that across the street, there are a group of young guys with a black Mustang all jacked up and they're standing around it. They appear to be working on it. There is one tall, skinny guy with long hair to his chin and a baseball cap pulled down. Due to the distance and the baseball cap, I can't really see his face. But this could be Clint. What if it is? He's the one that told me about the store in the first place that's only a few blocks away. When I met Clint, his hair was several inches shorter, but that was four months ago. It could be longer now. I am freaking out. I get back in the car. I don't know what to do. Should I go up to these guys? I call Beth. Her voice mail picks up. I leave a frantic message about this. I then decide to walk down past their house. I am going to get the license plate of the car and the house address just in case I need them. I know, I am very crazy in this moment. I am walking past their house, away from the store at this point. They don't seem to notice me. I get the address: 10919 Harsook. I get the plate number. The Mustang is not from Tennessee. It's from Indiana? I still can't see the guy's face. And I don't want to keep staring. They still have not noticed me. I walk down to the end of the block and turn around. I guess I'm going to go to The Black Broom and decide what further action to take. On my way back up the block, I pass their house again (I am on the opposite side of the street both times). The Clint-looking guy looks up from the car and is staring at me as I walk past. Oh my god. What if this is Clint?
I walk up to Vineland Ave. I turn the corner. I go to put my cell phone in my purse. And realize...I do not have my keys. In all of my frantic confusion, I have locked them in the car. Fuck. What am I going to do? I have AAA. I could call them. Or...
I could go up to the guys and see if they could open the door for me. Afterall, they know how to fix cars.
I continue on to The Black Broom. I buy my supplies. I still have not decided what to do. If they are still there when I come back, should I go up to them? I have to, I decide. There is a reason for all of this. There are moments when you know there is a reason.
I walk back. They're all still out there. What the hell? Here I go...I walk up to the house. I'm not even half way across the street and the Clint-looking guy is staring at me. I yell across the street, "This is going to sound really stupid. I locked my keys in my car. And I see you guys out here working on cars. I was wondering if any of you knew how to open a locked car." Of all the guys standing out there (and there are about 5 or 6), it is the Clint-looking guy who walks up to me. I get close enough and see that it is not Clint. But he is cute. And he agrees to try and help me. He wants to look at the lock so we walk over to my car. "Are you guys from Indiana?" I ask. "I am," he replies. "So am I," I say. He asks me where and I tell him Valparaiso. He is from Brownsburg. I have never been there, but it is near Indianapolis. He moved out here about a year and a half ago because all of his friends had moved out here and wanted him to join them. He wanted to get out of Indiana. I know that feeling.
He went back up to the house to get something to try and open the car door. All he can find is a coat hanger. He starts to work on the car and we are chatting. "Were you at that Raven store?" he asks me. Strange. How would he know that? He works on it for about 20 minutes, but it's just not going to work. Mitsubishi locks are different than most locks. You can't just stick a coat hanger in and pull them up. He tells me to call AAA and at least get that started. I call them. He continues to work on the car. Finally, he gives up. AAA is coming in half an hour. "Well, what can I do for you? Do you want a Coke or something?" he asks me. He's so nice and cute. I cannot refuse. "Sure," I say. And we walk up to his house. "My name's Shane, by the way," he says. "I'm Debbie," I reply.
We go up to his house. He introduces me to his roommates (who are all also from various parts of the midwest). They are all very nice, and make me feel welcome in their house. So, I'm just sitting there hanging out, shooting the shit with these guys. Like any other Saturday. It's strangely familiar. "Do you smoke?" Shane asks me. "Yes," I reply, "but I left my cigarettes in the car." So, he gives me a cigarette. We're just hanging out and talking. I really like this guy. Finally, the AAA dispatcher calls me. They say that the Emergency Lock and Key service truck should be pulling up at any moment. Shane and I walk outside. He is getting ready to work on his car. His friend Ben is going to help him. It is another 10 or so minutes before AAA shows up. So, I watch Shane on the dolly underneath the car. God, I love mechanics. AAA comes. I get the keys. I walk back up to the house. Shane is now out from underneath the car. I walked away from one amazing guy. Am I really going to do this again? We are both standing there awkwardly. So, I just say it. "Look, it was really nice of you to help me. Let me give you my number. I'll buy you a drink sometime." And I give him my number. He pulls out a blank card. And I write his number down on it and put it in my purse. He watches me walk across the street to my car. He watches me drive away.
And all I can say is...wow. This guy knocked me over. There are rare instances in my life, when I am really affected by a guy. And here's another one that's done it to me. I would date this guy in a heartbeat...were it not for Clint. I have searched for Clint for four long months. I need to find Clint. But Shane is so cute and I have his number...
So, now I'm driving around North Hollywood all confused and upset and freaking out. I decide to drive by Carter's Automotive just in case maybe they're working there by some chance. I pull the card out that Shane gave me. I turn it over. It is not a black card. It is a business card. It is his business card. His name is Shane Curry. Now, while we were at the house, his friends were all calling him Bissell. So, I just assumed that it was his last name. But it must have been some kind of nickname. The card says that his name is Shane Curry.
That is when it hits me...the tree-lined street looks very similar to the one in Evansville...the one in the dream. Steve Crowley...Shane Curry...sound very similar. Steve lived at 419 Harlan Ave. Shane lives at 10919 Harsook Ave. This could all be coincidence. But as Beth says, "There is no such thing as coincidence."
Now, knowing all of this...what am I supposed to do? What is also interesting, is that two of the guys who lived there who were out fixing cars are named George and Mike. We already know from talking to Mr. Carter that Clint has two friends named George and Mike who also occasionally come in to Carter's to fix cars. Are these the same people? If so, then does Shane know Clint? This could be conincidence. Of course there are many Mikes and many mechanics in the area. But the combination of George and Mike? There are not as many young men named George. In addition to that, Shane told me that George shopped at "that Raven store." Is George pagan? Why is he going there? If he did shop there, that could be a way that he would know Clint. This is all very very strange. But still...is this all coincidence?
I don't know what to do. This is a major predicament. I don't want to think about Shane. But I can't stop. You can't help the way you feel. But I have to find Clint. We've searched for four months and I am in love with him. But Shane is so cute and I have his number. And there is a reason that I was there and there is a connection between all of this. Each situation involves cars and mechanics and someone helping someone else. I don't know what the connection is, but there has to be one. And I have to find Clint. And I am so torn...and sad...and heartbroken...
Updates will follow...
TO BE CONTINUED...
To dream is a dangerous thing...
I suppose I should go back ten years. Most of my remaining friends have never heard the full story of Steve Crowley and who he was and why he was important. In order to fully understand the events of this past weekend, you would need to know a little bit about Steve Crowley.
I first dreamed of Steve the winter that I was 16. There was a series of dreams that involved him. In one particular dream, I was walking down this long tree-lined residential street. There was someone with me, some kind of spirit guide. I was very upset, and my guide told me, "Don't worry Steve Crowley is real. This is where he lives." At that moment, I looked up and I saw a street sign. It said Stanley Ct. We walked on a few blocks or so and came to a single story house. A man was outside mowing the lawn. My guide told me, "This is where Steve lives. Now you know."
I woke up from this very vivid dream and I knew that it was set in Evansville, Indiana, a large city at the very bottom of the state. I had never been there before. I could have just blown this off...chalked it up to just some crazy dream. But there was something about it that I couldn't shake off. That afternoon, Beth and I drove down to the public library in Merrillville, Indiana and found a phone book for Evansville. We looked up Steve Crowley. There was no Steve Crowley, but there was an S. Crowley. But this person lived at 419 S. Harlan Ave. And we were looking for Stanley Court. My hopes fell, but Beth suggested that we look at a map of Evansville. I flipped to the front of the phone book, looked up S. Harlan Ave, and to my shock and surprise, I found that Stanley Ct. and S. Harlan Ave did, indeed, intersect. And when I thought back to the dream, when I looked up at the sign, it was for the cross street of the actual street we were walking on. If we were walking down S. Harlan Ave, we would cross Stanley Ct.
So, now what am I supposed to do with this? There was a series of other signs and signals that we received regarding this. I won't go into all of those now, but the point is this was a very major event in my life.
A few years later, we were still talking about this. One weekend I was down in Bloomington visiting Beth at IU. Saturday morning, we woke up and decided to drive down to Evansville. What the hell? Let's go drive down this street and see what it looks like. We did. And it looked almost exactly like it did in my dream. We decided to go back around the block and come down , S. Harlan again. I go to make a turn. We hear screeching tires and a car slams into the back of ours. Our car is spun around 180 degrees. No one was hurt that day, but we took it as a sign that we were not supposed to be there at that moment. And we left. We thought about Steve Crowley many more times after that. I kept thinking I'd meet him somewhere. At Purdue where I went to school for two years. Anywhere. Then I moved to Boston. I thought maybe he would be out there, but I never found him. Then I started dating Matt Walburn. I didn't completely forget about Steve, but I came to think of him as this idealized man. And anyone who didn't live up to this ideal, was simply no Steve Crowley. And I was searching for Steve Crowley. When Matt and I broke up and I decided to move out to L.A., I thought maybe I would find Steve out here. Either the ideal or maybe there was someone who actually had that name.
Then I met Clint. He knocked me right off of my feet. And he did have the physical description of Steve Crowley. We do believe that we've found Clint; he just hasn't gone into work in awhile and, therefore, hasn't gotten the letter that Beth gave his boss. It could happen any day. Maybe he is Steve Crowley. I'd like to think so.
But then there is also this...
I woke up on Saturday morning with nothing to do. Beth was out of town. I talked to Cutter for awhile on the phone. He said that it was raining in Boston. I told him it was sunny in L.A. Maybe I should go out and enjoy the day. In fact, maybe I should go drive around the streets of Van Nuys and North Hollywood for awhile. Just in case I should happen to run into Clint.
So, I decided to go down to The Black Broom (formally Raven's Flight), the pagan bookstore that Clint had told me about the night we met. I thought, "What if he's down there buying herbs or supplies or something? Who knows?" So, I drive down there and there is no parking on Vineland Ave (the street the store is on). I drive a few blocks down searching for parking and then turn down this little side street (S. Harsook Ave). I intend to go around the block and come back down Vineland, but about halfway down this street, I find a parking spot. This is a long tree-lined residential street. As I'm getting out of the car, I notice that across the street, there are a group of young guys with a black Mustang all jacked up and they're standing around it. They appear to be working on it. There is one tall, skinny guy with long hair to his chin and a baseball cap pulled down. Due to the distance and the baseball cap, I can't really see his face. But this could be Clint. What if it is? He's the one that told me about the store in the first place that's only a few blocks away. When I met Clint, his hair was several inches shorter, but that was four months ago. It could be longer now. I am freaking out. I get back in the car. I don't know what to do. Should I go up to these guys? I call Beth. Her voice mail picks up. I leave a frantic message about this. I then decide to walk down past their house. I am going to get the license plate of the car and the house address just in case I need them. I know, I am very crazy in this moment. I am walking past their house, away from the store at this point. They don't seem to notice me. I get the address: 10919 Harsook. I get the plate number. The Mustang is not from Tennessee. It's from Indiana? I still can't see the guy's face. And I don't want to keep staring. They still have not noticed me. I walk down to the end of the block and turn around. I guess I'm going to go to The Black Broom and decide what further action to take. On my way back up the block, I pass their house again (I am on the opposite side of the street both times). The Clint-looking guy looks up from the car and is staring at me as I walk past. Oh my god. What if this is Clint?
I walk up to Vineland Ave. I turn the corner. I go to put my cell phone in my purse. And realize...I do not have my keys. In all of my frantic confusion, I have locked them in the car. Fuck. What am I going to do? I have AAA. I could call them. Or...
I could go up to the guys and see if they could open the door for me. Afterall, they know how to fix cars.
I continue on to The Black Broom. I buy my supplies. I still have not decided what to do. If they are still there when I come back, should I go up to them? I have to, I decide. There is a reason for all of this. There are moments when you know there is a reason.
I walk back. They're all still out there. What the hell? Here I go...I walk up to the house. I'm not even half way across the street and the Clint-looking guy is staring at me. I yell across the street, "This is going to sound really stupid. I locked my keys in my car. And I see you guys out here working on cars. I was wondering if any of you knew how to open a locked car." Of all the guys standing out there (and there are about 5 or 6), it is the Clint-looking guy who walks up to me. I get close enough and see that it is not Clint. But he is cute. And he agrees to try and help me. He wants to look at the lock so we walk over to my car. "Are you guys from Indiana?" I ask. "I am," he replies. "So am I," I say. He asks me where and I tell him Valparaiso. He is from Brownsburg. I have never been there, but it is near Indianapolis. He moved out here about a year and a half ago because all of his friends had moved out here and wanted him to join them. He wanted to get out of Indiana. I know that feeling.
He went back up to the house to get something to try and open the car door. All he can find is a coat hanger. He starts to work on the car and we are chatting. "Were you at that Raven store?" he asks me. Strange. How would he know that? He works on it for about 20 minutes, but it's just not going to work. Mitsubishi locks are different than most locks. You can't just stick a coat hanger in and pull them up. He tells me to call AAA and at least get that started. I call them. He continues to work on the car. Finally, he gives up. AAA is coming in half an hour. "Well, what can I do for you? Do you want a Coke or something?" he asks me. He's so nice and cute. I cannot refuse. "Sure," I say. And we walk up to his house. "My name's Shane, by the way," he says. "I'm Debbie," I reply.
We go up to his house. He introduces me to his roommates (who are all also from various parts of the midwest). They are all very nice, and make me feel welcome in their house. So, I'm just sitting there hanging out, shooting the shit with these guys. Like any other Saturday. It's strangely familiar. "Do you smoke?" Shane asks me. "Yes," I reply, "but I left my cigarettes in the car." So, he gives me a cigarette. We're just hanging out and talking. I really like this guy. Finally, the AAA dispatcher calls me. They say that the Emergency Lock and Key service truck should be pulling up at any moment. Shane and I walk outside. He is getting ready to work on his car. His friend Ben is going to help him. It is another 10 or so minutes before AAA shows up. So, I watch Shane on the dolly underneath the car. God, I love mechanics. AAA comes. I get the keys. I walk back up to the house. Shane is now out from underneath the car. I walked away from one amazing guy. Am I really going to do this again? We are both standing there awkwardly. So, I just say it. "Look, it was really nice of you to help me. Let me give you my number. I'll buy you a drink sometime." And I give him my number. He pulls out a blank card. And I write his number down on it and put it in my purse. He watches me walk across the street to my car. He watches me drive away.
And all I can say is...wow. This guy knocked me over. There are rare instances in my life, when I am really affected by a guy. And here's another one that's done it to me. I would date this guy in a heartbeat...were it not for Clint. I have searched for Clint for four long months. I need to find Clint. But Shane is so cute and I have his number...
So, now I'm driving around North Hollywood all confused and upset and freaking out. I decide to drive by Carter's Automotive just in case maybe they're working there by some chance. I pull the card out that Shane gave me. I turn it over. It is not a black card. It is a business card. It is his business card. His name is Shane Curry. Now, while we were at the house, his friends were all calling him Bissell. So, I just assumed that it was his last name. But it must have been some kind of nickname. The card says that his name is Shane Curry.
That is when it hits me...the tree-lined street looks very similar to the one in Evansville...the one in the dream. Steve Crowley...Shane Curry...sound very similar. Steve lived at 419 Harlan Ave. Shane lives at 10919 Harsook Ave. This could all be coincidence. But as Beth says, "There is no such thing as coincidence."
Now, knowing all of this...what am I supposed to do? What is also interesting, is that two of the guys who lived there who were out fixing cars are named George and Mike. We already know from talking to Mr. Carter that Clint has two friends named George and Mike who also occasionally come in to Carter's to fix cars. Are these the same people? If so, then does Shane know Clint? This could be conincidence. Of course there are many Mikes and many mechanics in the area. But the combination of George and Mike? There are not as many young men named George. In addition to that, Shane told me that George shopped at "that Raven store." Is George pagan? Why is he going there? If he did shop there, that could be a way that he would know Clint. This is all very very strange. But still...is this all coincidence?
I don't know what to do. This is a major predicament. I don't want to think about Shane. But I can't stop. You can't help the way you feel. But I have to find Clint. We've searched for four months and I am in love with him. But Shane is so cute and I have his number. And there is a reason that I was there and there is a connection between all of this. Each situation involves cars and mechanics and someone helping someone else. I don't know what the connection is, but there has to be one. And I have to find Clint. And I am so torn...and sad...and heartbroken...
Updates will follow...
TO BE CONTINUED...
Friday, April 01, 2005
AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL
Rachel (aka Tequila Mockingbird) told me an inspiring tale the other day. She wrote to me about how she met this extremely attractive man in yoga class, just her type. They talked a little after the class and then she proceeded to walk away. That's when it hit her.
"What if this turns into a Clint situation, and I met my fantasy man and I don't ask him for his number and then I need to search for him?" she thought to herself.
So, she ran back across the parking lot to where he was getting in his car (a beautiful scene that I will be sure to include in the movie), got his number, and they now have plans to do something this weekend.
Now, this is the kind of inspiring tale that I want to hear. I, unfortunately, left Clint standing on the side of the road...and now, four months later, I am still trying to find him again (may the remaining wait be short). Rachel doesn't have to wonder whether or not she just met the man of her dreams...she can go out on a date with him and find out.
I urge all of you who are following this story: please, if you meet an incredible person somewhere...please, please, please get their number. Learn from me and the inspiring tale of Rachel.
At least my trials and tribulations can help others out...
Rachel (aka Tequila Mockingbird) told me an inspiring tale the other day. She wrote to me about how she met this extremely attractive man in yoga class, just her type. They talked a little after the class and then she proceeded to walk away. That's when it hit her.
"What if this turns into a Clint situation, and I met my fantasy man and I don't ask him for his number and then I need to search for him?" she thought to herself.
So, she ran back across the parking lot to where he was getting in his car (a beautiful scene that I will be sure to include in the movie), got his number, and they now have plans to do something this weekend.
Now, this is the kind of inspiring tale that I want to hear. I, unfortunately, left Clint standing on the side of the road...and now, four months later, I am still trying to find him again (may the remaining wait be short). Rachel doesn't have to wonder whether or not she just met the man of her dreams...she can go out on a date with him and find out.
I urge all of you who are following this story: please, if you meet an incredible person somewhere...please, please, please get their number. Learn from me and the inspiring tale of Rachel.
At least my trials and tribulations can help others out...
CLINT IS MIA
Mr. Carter told me, "Clint is MIA. But he has to come in at some point, right? He works here. He has to come in at some point. And I've got the stuff here waiting for him. That should be some incentive."
Oh, Clint...please go to work. It has been two weeks since he last was at Carter's and that was the day before Beth brought the picture and letter down there. Please Clint, go to work...we need revelation and resolution...
Mr. Carter told me, "Clint is MIA. But he has to come in at some point, right? He works here. He has to come in at some point. And I've got the stuff here waiting for him. That should be some incentive."
Oh, Clint...please go to work. It has been two weeks since he last was at Carter's and that was the day before Beth brought the picture and letter down there. Please Clint, go to work...we need revelation and resolution...
TARA'S LATEST EMAIL
I would not think this was for real, did I not actually know that it is...it really is truly unbelievable...Cutter, what disorder are we talking here?? And why is the title of the message "Flamingos?" It doesn't talk about flamingos in the message. And why is she talking about ovulation? And Blockbuster passes? For that matter, why is she talking at all????
TITLE: Flamingos
---If I could where sunglasses I would. I watched a
stand up acttress friend the other night and thougHt
her face was like mine with out acting. So I cut out
the next night and took a studio yoga class. Then I
tried writting. I lost a book about old venice roman
sex crimes(adultry, prostitution, affairs etc)
Being jellouse is just a phase. I think expressing and
argueing are dramatic. I some errands to runn on
Melrose. I am sure I will enjoy your cds or poems if
we can hanng out some time. I also hae a moie pass
with blockbuster for 2 at a time. I hae thought to
join cinefile for old english rock movies because I
like their soundtracks. I am twisted about my
relations with preston.
Our venice Beach is cleaner these days. I hae a swimm
suit, a body suit. Gatherings are easier on the heart
and flow. When I think of all my rondevouse with
preston they hurt selfishly. Confusing as a secret
affair that We do so much when were alone.
I thought of a sceen in my heard about being
provocative. It was a jazzy musical staged like
Chicago with a chair. Thank You Debbie. Today is
Friday. I bought some jeans yesterday so I'm
comfortable. I wasn't even ovulating. My moon cycles
are off.I mean its a peee of mine to act pmsy or
whiney. Psycho acts I fell into. vows and friendship
are a responcibility. Trusting and offering balance.
Cheary attitudes.
From Tara Leigh
I would not think this was for real, did I not actually know that it is...it really is truly unbelievable...Cutter, what disorder are we talking here?? And why is the title of the message "Flamingos?" It doesn't talk about flamingos in the message. And why is she talking about ovulation? And Blockbuster passes? For that matter, why is she talking at all????
TITLE: Flamingos
---If I could where sunglasses I would. I watched a
stand up acttress friend the other night and thougHt
her face was like mine with out acting. So I cut out
the next night and took a studio yoga class. Then I
tried writting. I lost a book about old venice roman
sex crimes(adultry, prostitution, affairs etc)
Being jellouse is just a phase. I think expressing and
argueing are dramatic. I some errands to runn on
Melrose. I am sure I will enjoy your cds or poems if
we can hanng out some time. I also hae a moie pass
with blockbuster for 2 at a time. I hae thought to
join cinefile for old english rock movies because I
like their soundtracks. I am twisted about my
relations with preston.
Our venice Beach is cleaner these days. I hae a swimm
suit, a body suit. Gatherings are easier on the heart
and flow. When I think of all my rondevouse with
preston they hurt selfishly. Confusing as a secret
affair that We do so much when were alone.
I thought of a sceen in my heard about being
provocative. It was a jazzy musical staged like
Chicago with a chair. Thank You Debbie. Today is
Friday. I bought some jeans yesterday so I'm
comfortable. I wasn't even ovulating. My moon cycles
are off.I mean its a peee of mine to act pmsy or
whiney. Psycho acts I fell into. vows and friendship
are a responcibility. Trusting and offering balance.
Cheary attitudes.
From Tara Leigh
APRIL FOOL'S DAY
The Fool's journey may end today. But we all know that every ending is just another beginning...
APRIL FOOL'S DAY
Hideaway
Why do you hideaway, my love?
Don't be afraid
You'll only drown in your mistrust
What you are thinking is
This could never be real
Cause how could something
So enchanting be real?
Come around
You've got to come around someday
When you come around
You'll find your doubting was in vain
You won't fall for this
Trick they're playing on you
But they're not playing
All they're saying is true
IT'S APRIL FOOL'S DAY SO
I CAN SEE WHY YOU'D THINK THIS WAS A JOKE
THIS IS NO JOKE...IT IS NO GAME
WHEN YOU COME FACE TO FACE WITH FATE
ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY
Faced with proof
It starts to slowly sink in
Surprise and awe
At this fairy tale you're in
Now, you were thinking
This game they were playing was cruel
But now you're blessed
With the clarity of truth
IT'S APRIL FOOL'S DAY SO
I CAN SEE WHY YOU'D THINK THIS WAS A JOKE
IT IS NO JOKE...IT IS NO GAME
WHEN YOU COME FACE TO FACE WITH FATE
ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY...
I would love to see your face
In the moment when it all changed
I know this comes across as strange
I apologize...there is no other way
On April Fool's Day...
Recognize
The miracle of hope
The stars align
And the message finds its home
You affected someone
In ways you never knew
Now you have someone
Who searched for nothing but you
IT'S APRIL FOOL'S DAY SO
I CAN SEE WHY YOU'D THINK THIS WAS A JOKE
IT IS NO JOKE...IT IS NO GAME
WHEN YOU COME FACE TO FACE WITH FATE
ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY...
IT'S APRIL FOOL'S DAY...
The Fool's journey may end today. But we all know that every ending is just another beginning...
APRIL FOOL'S DAY
Hideaway
Why do you hideaway, my love?
Don't be afraid
You'll only drown in your mistrust
What you are thinking is
This could never be real
Cause how could something
So enchanting be real?
Come around
You've got to come around someday
When you come around
You'll find your doubting was in vain
You won't fall for this
Trick they're playing on you
But they're not playing
All they're saying is true
IT'S APRIL FOOL'S DAY SO
I CAN SEE WHY YOU'D THINK THIS WAS A JOKE
THIS IS NO JOKE...IT IS NO GAME
WHEN YOU COME FACE TO FACE WITH FATE
ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY
Faced with proof
It starts to slowly sink in
Surprise and awe
At this fairy tale you're in
Now, you were thinking
This game they were playing was cruel
But now you're blessed
With the clarity of truth
IT'S APRIL FOOL'S DAY SO
I CAN SEE WHY YOU'D THINK THIS WAS A JOKE
IT IS NO JOKE...IT IS NO GAME
WHEN YOU COME FACE TO FACE WITH FATE
ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY...
I would love to see your face
In the moment when it all changed
I know this comes across as strange
I apologize...there is no other way
On April Fool's Day...
Recognize
The miracle of hope
The stars align
And the message finds its home
You affected someone
In ways you never knew
Now you have someone
Who searched for nothing but you
IT'S APRIL FOOL'S DAY SO
I CAN SEE WHY YOU'D THINK THIS WAS A JOKE
IT IS NO JOKE...IT IS NO GAME
WHEN YOU COME FACE TO FACE WITH FATE
ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY...
IT'S APRIL FOOL'S DAY...
